Farewell? For a while,,,

I am in my OPD, patients are coming at a mere trickle, unlike the downpour outside, the weather is making the imminent farewell all the more harder.
Last night, I was busy packing up, I can never can make out what to take and what not to,, and always end up taking either more stuff than I ever can possibly use, or am reduced to walking the streets, naked,, not literally, of course.
I cried,,,
Did it have anything to do with the fact that I was also watching "The Lake House"? or is it due to the fact that I was reminded, once again, how unpredictable my life has become, of late.
Living my life out of a suitcase, is what I have been doing, never staying in a place long enough, to put down any roots, I looked at myself in the mirror, even I ha changed, in so many ways, both seen and unseen,. the tears came to my eyes, unstoppable, uninvited,,and swept me along, in a miserable wave of self-pity, and how I hated myself for this,,.
Even the songs I seemed to be playing these days were invariably sad songs, and how I wallowed in their melancholy lyrics, every song seemingly mirroring my own misery.
I fly out of here, on the 30th, and it may be a while before my next post,,, so, untill then, So-long...

I did it !

I did it!
Donot ever let anyone tell you, it doesn't pay to speak your mind, especially when it concerns something you believe in. If your convictions are strong enough, and you are not afraid of telling the truth, just go ahead and do it. It pays, not immediately maybe, but someday, whatever you said, will count and someone, somewhere will be benefitted, because of something you had the courage to stand up for, I know, because I did stand by what I believed in, and told it just the way it was,, I saw the starting point of good things to come, today,, and I have to thank the senior, in whose office, I spent a hour and a half, speaking my mind, not stopping to even think what the outcome would be, or how he would react, just raving on, what I said, made him look bad too, but he decided to do the proper thing, came down to the Hospital today, and put things in motion, taking care to attend to almost every point I made, I felt so vindiated, so happy, the ball has been made to start rolling, now it will depend on the people I leave behind to see it to its finish.
I am glad I did not back down, glad I had the balls to say what I believed in, and stand by it, I am really glad.
It does pay to speak your mind, to stand up for and stand by what you believe in. it does, and donot ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

Do we love life?

A smile,

Dew drops,

A kind gesture,

Childhood memories,,

A sympathetic 'i know',

A listening ear,

Children playing, laughing.

Puppies,

Cloudy skies,

Bird song,,,,,,,,,, And before you call for help, let me tell you, I am not playing Julie Andrews from, 'The sound of Music', one of my faves, a movie we were made to watch, on all school holidays, and one that i grew to love.

I just wanted to remind myself of some of the really simple, small things of life, that can afford so much peace and pleasure, if only we learn to appreciate them more. In 'Sophie's world', by Jostein Gaarder, the author says that we stop living because we make life into a habit, and stop feeling amazed by it, and by whatever happens in our lives, things are taken so much for granted, that we cease to see the real wonder our lives are, and like she again says, we appreciate life when we think of death, and we appreciate or think of death only when we realise we are alive,, it's a cycle and is meant to teach us of the ultimate inevitability, at the same time, inspire us to make more of what we have today, now.

if we take time to savour our lives, all the moments we have, the good and the bad we all will end up truly appreciating this blessing of being born, of been given a life,, and perhaps this will make us happier, for isn't this what we all want? To be happy? And yet we go chasing after the wrong things, to achieve that,,, when true happiness lies within all of us, we just have to look for it, or at times, let it find us, and just keep an open mind,,

Nothing in life is an absolute end,, because every so-called end heralds a new, better beginning and life truly is in the small everyday stuff, around us,,.

Now that everything has been said, I just have to start believing in it, myself,, For some wise person once said,, It is harder to practise than to preach:)

An after Dinner Treat, of Chocolate

After an early dinner, of a cup of tea and two crackers, I settled down to watch a Movie I had wanted to watch, for quite a while.

" CHOCOLAT "

Like the gooey substance it was named after, the experience proved to be a sinfully rich, satisfying treat, with nothing of the guilt that a similar binge of the real stuff,( real chocolate, I mean.), would bring. It was one of the most simplistically stylised films I had ever seen and the visuals seemed to hold you right from the opening titles, The wind-blown, small town France feel gave you goose pimples, the melancholy that the geography of the supposed locales were meant to evoke were evident from the first few frames. Contrast that with shots of dark, sinful, smooth, lip-smacking chocolate being made and presented to the town people and to the audience, in a series of innovative window designs.

Julliete binoche as the mysterious wandering healer, whose chocolaterie is the front through which she supposedly makes magic, was simply outstanding, and Judi Dench, in the cameo as the free willed diabetic, shows us why she is one of the highest rated actors of the time. Alfred Molina as the Villain of the piece brings just the needed amount of ludicrousity to his act, at the same time maintaining the undercurrent of menace.

All the other characters perform with Elan, from the 'American rock loving' young priest to the old dog-lover secretly carrying a torch for a widow who's mourning the husband she lost over 20 years back.

The ensemble cast gives the movie a richness its name suggests, and midway through the film walks in Johnny Depp in a role where he once again makes us realise why Women all over the world swoon at his name, he strikes the right notes as the catalytic element, who gives things the little push required to roll towards the climax.

While outwardly the movie deals with the morals of a small town and how these change, for the better with the advent of a woman whose magical concoctions in the dark-sticky stuff, chocolate, gives the people a peep-hole into their hearts and awakens latent desires, strengths and values in them ,which in turn, helps them in overcoming their own demons and bring about a reform, even in the villainous Mayor, and the end is beautifully summed up by the young priests' Easter day sermon, where he says that the true essence of religion and goodness does not lie in what we condemn or give up but in what we tolerate, embrace and love,

A beautiful movie and a great message for those who want to find it, amidst the visual feast it provides.

Nonsense from me (what else?)

Who reads this stuff?
Does anyone ever come here?
Look at all this?

If you ask me, the answer, in all honesty would be, I don't think so,, What else would you expect of a blog that proclaims to be the Ravings (ravings, mind you, is a word associated with severe mental degeneration, and that too Random,, which declares its non-conformist status) of an Individual with no claims to posterity or fame, I mean I would rather go to Paris Hilton's blog first, in a similar situation. (Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Should I go on? I mean the whole purpose in putting all these here, laying myself bare(hee hee:), is so that a few people, with nothing better to do perhaps, who have had their fill of all the porn sites, catering to the various tastes (raised eyebrows?), and are suffering from chronic Insomnia, should deign to come, read, fall-off to sleep and the next day, pass on the great news of this wonder drug for sleeplessness, (AdSense guys,hint,,hint), and then perhaps I will see the traffic through these back waters increase..

Then again, maybe it is good that so few people actually read this blog, I really wouldn't want anyone to be shocked speechless by the sheer stupidity in these pages,, I mean we are supposed to have evolved into intelligent beings, right? Why destroy that Illusion?

So, I continue this labour of love, for myself,, It is just a way of shedding the nonsense that always seems to float in my head, and get some semblance of order to the chaos, that is my Brain..

A sudden Visitor, on a quiet afternoon

I could start with Sinuous, Sleek, sexy, Svelte and go on to the more creepier adjectives like Slippery and Slimy, but whatever word I used wouldn't suffice in doing justice to the amazing visitor who dropped in, at my Bungalow, this afternoon, I had gone to my vegetable garden, intending to get some fresh Coriander for a salad I was making for lunch,(as I said,I am on a diet), and there it was,,, just fresh off a meal, I guess, judging from its sluggishness,,hanging half out of a hole it was attempting to enter. It was an awesome, majestic- "61/2 foot" long snake, wider than my wrist, with a frog in its jaws,(which explained its inability to enter the hole it was tar getting, and its so called sluggishness), anyways, I ran, got my camera, prodded it with a thin, weedy twig, remembered that the Hospital was out of Anti Snake Venom, called up our supplier, and proceeded to try and capture some of the snakes' beauty on my camera,,, Well, since I am hardly a naturalist, the shots do not do it full justice, You had to be there to fully appreciate its strange beauty, I guess, but for what it is worth, here are some of the pictures I took, and I shall attempt to upload the video on U-Tube tomorrow,,,,,, A little bit of polishing up of my technique, and another alternate career lined up for me,, What say you???

Nagging thoughts, a victory and a cup of tea,(for dinner,I am on a diet)

This is in response to a comment, extremely ill-natured and entirely uncalled for, by a senior of the place I happen to be working in, He had the gall to say that he was losing faith in the people of this profession, ie in us lowly doctors. Why? Because I happened to decide to quit my job and go for an opportunity to try and get an extra qualification. While I did try to explain to all and sundry, that this was a tough call for me to make, I had to decide between a cushy present and an uncertain future, and I really feel that the Gentleman who passed the crass, childish remark, needs to take a swift look at what is going wrong in their own front yard, before shifting the blame onto someone else, by far the easier thing to do, I know, but something one doesn't associate with age and Experience. that is on top of the fact that if he fell ill, he would rather go to a so-called specialist, than come to me. Hypocrisy and ignorance!!!

Even if this chance to study a subject very close to my heart hadn't come along, I still would have been forced to leave this job, because I for one, do not like being an unwelcome guest, and that was exactly what I was here. The Hospital and its staff will never be anything but a white elephant for the people who run the place, and I would rather be somewhere, in the middle of the Saharan desert, getting paid in peanuts, but doing something worthwhile, working for someone who realised the value of a human life, and what caring for that feels like, because as doctors, this is what we spend 6 back-breaking years learning to do. Unless a person has experienced what we go through, in becoming doctors, I do not think, they have any right what-so-ever, to turn up their noses at us, or what we do.

No claims to greatness here, it is just that, when I join a particular job, I do like to think that I would be able to make a difference, but when you spend the better part of the day, in verbal duelling, just so that you can care for your patients better, it just gets too much to take. Add to that the comment made by the same senior, that in such a place, there is nothing called a private life for its employees, What do you say to that? That anybody can dictate what you do in the privacy of your bedrooms, that a person can just stride into your house and ask why you decided to paint your rooms a particular colour,,I seriously am at a loss for words.

I still consider being a doctor, more of a vocation, than a profession, and I consider job-satisfaction and a good work environment, much more important than a bag-full of money. There are so many things I want to tell the "gentleman'', with all respect to his graying hair, but most of all I would like to tell him that, I do not mind physical hardships in a job, it is the mental apathy of my employers that kill me. I am not used to running a plantation, being born after the British left these shores, and this is something I really would not want to try and learn now, not if it manages to stamp out the one thing that I feel is extremely necessary, if I have to be any good at what I do, yes I want to hang on to the human qualities I still have left in me.

Meanwhile 'Lorbo lorbo jeetbo re',,,,rents the air,, The Kolkata Knights have won their second match in a row,, and I have to go and join the festivities,,,,Yeaaaahhhhhh!!!!!

The shaking you feel is just me doing a victory dance,,,(Have learnt a few moves from the contestants of,'So you think you can dance' on AXN,, you see)

Tough times ahead

Today I sit, stare at the blinking (no, not a swear word) cursor, thinking that I simply have to write something, or else my procrastination would claim another victim, and besides I owed it to my faithful readers right? ( that's right, I've finally gone totally irreparably bonkers). I have writers' block,, or Blog' ( God, I am so funny).

Anyway, if I continue in this manner, pretty soon, this page is going to feel like one of those TV sitcoms, with the weird, taped laugh tracks,,,that cackle at the most irritating times (read Always). I simply am not a very humorous person, nor a witty one, I am afraid (and no my looks have nothing absolutely, to do with it).

My tickets are here, I move out on the 30th,, I wish I could see what's coming ahead, as an adventure, but I am not naive, of this I am sure. If only I could express the fear I was feeling, the anxiety, the palpitations that keep me awake at night.

Was I indeed being stupid? To throw away this very secure job, with all its trappings and go through all the struggle, the uncertainty, the heartaches? I guess only time would tell, for sure. Contrary to what people may feel, I had a real tough time making up my mind, and telling my parents was another dreadful part of the whole thing, but as I wrote in an earlier post, they sure surprised me with how they reacted.

When I hear the belief in their voices, I just want to scream out and cry, not that it would help. I owe this one last chance, to myself, my parents, and to someone else. My relation with the Almighty has never been very special, in that I have very seldom seen any of my prayers for myself, come true, but if He's listening, or if He decides to read this blog, I would like to beg Him to try and support me through this.

I just want to do what is right,
' Touch-wood'
'Inshallah'

God's special blessings, for me.

They say, our Parents are the closest we get to seeing God in our life.

They say right.

We all tend to take certain things so much for granted, in life, our parents perhaps topping that list, we go through our lives, never acknowledging what they mean to us, nor do we ever stop and think, till it is too late. How many of us have really turned around and said 'Thank-you' to our Mum and Dad?

None,, I believe, well, I intend rectifying that particular fault, via this,, though nothing beats saying it to their faces, something I plan on doing, as soon as I finish posting this.

For as long as I can recall, my parents have been my biggest support system, and we all know THAT'S not THE easiest job in the world, I am amazed at how easily they accept things, however unpleasant they may be, and how strong they actually are. in doing that.

When it comes to me and my happiness, they still are like the proverbial lions protecting their cub, At a time when I should be looking out for them, I am planning to set out in search of newer things to do, and they are still so supportive,, telling me to just try things out, and that I can always come back home, if things do not work out, how I should go for what my heart desires, because, pretty soon, life will have moved on, and desires will turn to regrets and 'what-ifs',,

They have been like my wings, carrying me through some really tough times, the entire last year, being such a time, their indefatigable strength and convictions have ensured that my self-belief has survived the pounding that it got, (and what a pounding it was),, the days of the year gone by, are the stuff nightmares are made of,,,but I have held on, thanks to them and to another very special friend,, someone who has, from the sidelines and from the frontier, as and when needed, been there to buoy me,, and my flagging spirits,, I am indeed blessed to have such people in my life.

Ma, Baba,, this is just an attempt to say,,'thank you' for all you have done,, even though words cannot even begin to express my love and gratitude, for all you have done for me, or my pride,, in having been born to you,, any attempts made by me to chronicle your efforts would take me another 50 lifetimes,, at least, Whenever I start to tire, I try and visualise your faces, your smiles, send up a silent prayer , and just keep going on, Someday, I hope I get to be there for you, and that goes for you too, Danny, when you need me. God bless you.

I hate farewells,

The first time it happened, I was in the twilight of my teen years, and since then, the process continues, unabated, again and again, repeatedly. I am about to get uprooted, yet again. The first time was when I left home, fresh from my College days, starry-eyed, timid and so very idealistic, my senses full of my own Grandeur, eager as a bee in Spring-time, to do good, or at least something worthwhile. Since then, countless uprootings have happened, leaving me in fragments, bits of my Sentimental, foolish heart left behind, with bits of roots, that withstood the wrenching out.

It is about to happen again, I have lost count, you do tend to, after a while. I had come here, immersed myself(or at least tried to, honestly!!) in this new life, at a Tea Garden, slowly carving a home for myself, making plans to buy a dog, buying stuff to hang on the bare walls of my new home, when, all of a sudden, out of the blue, came a distress call, and as if Providence itself arranged it thus, an opportunity to do something my heart had always wanted, while attending to the call.

So, I leave, like a Gypsy, minus the whirly, brightly coloured garments, and the fortune-telling (what Cliches), to venture into a new world, again, but at least, this time around, there would be a pair of hands, to help me along, and a kind soul to give me company,

I am determined not to grow roots, this time around, not to try and make a home, for myself, treat it just the way it is meant to be, a halt in the night, a resting place, till I find my true Home!

The countdown has begun, the packing started again, the anxious parental concerns, the unsatisfactory, sometimes curt replies I give.. How do I tell them , that I am as anxious as them, more so maybe, because the luxury of Home, that they enjoy, the security its presence provides is not for me,,, ever again, has not been so for so many years.

An Obituary,,,Completed

This is just to try and finish what I had left incomplete, yesterday. I am going to try and load the pic, I spoke of,...the least I can do.

By the way, Have any of you heard of the badly mutilated dog, (its ears were cut off), that was found by an American Soldier posted in Iraq? and how the soldier sat with the dog in his arms, till it felt better?, being very close to death when found, nursed him back to health, named him ' nub' due to his ear-less state, and how the dog travelled for over a hundred miles, in a not-so-well state, when the camp had to move on, in a few days time, and the dog had to be left behind, much to the soldiers' grief, to be re-united with the person it considered to be its owner, the soldier who had saved its life,, and how the soldier ran a campaign on the net to raise 2000 dollars, to ship Nub back to the States, to be kept at a friends' house, till he himself could go back, from active duty, to claim him?

This is the stuff actual love stories are made of...

An Obituary

Someone today asked me why I didn't go and get married (not right then, of course), seeing how alone I always seemed to be,(hardly any surprises there as I am at a Tea Estate), and the reply that sprang from my lips, very spontaneously, without any thoughts what-so-ever, which is exactly how I do most of my talking, a very endearing trait, I know, was that I was indeed thinking of getting a dog!!!!!

All my abject apologies to anyone offended by this, for I have nothing against Marriage, as an Institution, and am myself the product of a quite happy union, as far as marriages go, but I still would rather go get a dog, any day of the week, than get married, if the only motive in doing so was to get myself a companion, and this should be considered as an Obituary to all the various dogs that I had, over a period of time, starting with the first one called 'Pinki", a Bhutanese mongrel I had when I was barely 10, to the last few, till the whole lot, grew old and died, one after the other, all of them leaving behind a part of themselves, in my memories,,.

Everybody who has ever had a dog, will agree when I say that a dog's eyes can be the most lovely, sympathetic, selfless things one could ever see around them, in times of crisis,they just seem to know when you are down, and make that extra effort to show that they are there, with you, without any speech exchanged, they seem to know exactly what went through my mind, and I was always glad for the moments I spent with them, their loyalty and love carried me through some tough times indeed, and my tears always seemed to disappear, in a matter of a few licks, and the whine of sorrow, that came from them, made mine seem so very unimportant, when compared to what they used to go through whenever they saw me sad,,

Hats off to each one of them,.They are all special, and will always remain so,.

P S: I had managed to dig out the only pic I had, of Pinki, my first dog, but thanks to this wretched GPRS and its multitude of Divaesque tantrums, I couldn't load it up,, promise to do so in my next post, whatever be the post on.

An evening, on a walk, after my cuppa.

This is meant to be a quick write-up, which means, you can expect to see at least a hundred and fifty sentences here, The optimum time, not to have a walk in an area, which is more than 50% leaves, bushes, marsh-land and trees, in short,,,a Tea Garden, is the twilight hour, which by the way is fast starting to encroach on the witching hour, all the mosquitoes, and various other insects of unknown lineage, (but all with a common love interest,,Moi,,) were converging on my face and eyes, and it was tough walking,,whew!! Anyways, my journey back, listening to the songs of Metro, on my cell, was free from any such intrusions,, and I was walking back fast. Femina Miss India was on, and I wanted to watch that.

My goodness, the contestants were young, 21, 22 years old, but were they confident,,! they reminded me of another such confident girl, way back in 1994, Sushmita, who has since then blossomed into this Uber-confident, awe-inspiring Diva, of the calibre of Zeenat, or maybe even better, she puts everyone else into the shadowy corners of a room, the moment she walks in, and lights it up,, my God, there hasn't been even a single Miss India after that, to come even close. Right?

Then I sat and watched "Grey's Anatomy", where again, there were these two women characters, both strong, confident Doctors, good at what they did ,one was giving up her profession, because the man she loved, succumbed to a disease, reminding her, as death of a patient always tends to, that we doctors are mere mortals, and life or death, happens in spite of us. The second Dr, on the show was being deserted by the man she loved, because he, all of a sudden, decides that she would be better off without him, the decision of a couple being taken by one man with a God mania. How many times have we come across similar incidences in Real life too?

This looks like something that ought to have been a part of some so-called Women's' magazine, during 'Women's' Day', I know,, but as the name of my Blog,( one that I didn't have to spend sleepless nights over naming) says,, these are after all the RAVINGS, albeit random of a person,,,, namely,,Me!!

Never claimed to be a great writer, or an Intellectual, and that great Revelations would come forth through my posts,, so,,, sue me!

Cup of Tea, and Peace

If Freud were alive today, he would be wetting his pants in anticipation, and I can also see all the amateur psycho-analysts rubbing their hands in glee,,,Yummmmm!! New material at long last.

I really identify with the character of Jeet, in Jab we met, No, I am not anorectic,(though some of my friends would beg to differ), with Fab-India kurtis, and a 'fair-to-the-point-of looking washed -out skin' to boot, but everything else matches, to the proverbial 'T'. I have verbal diarrhoea, now-a-days running into the realms of the Black-and-white, thanks to the unavailability of a live audience, and to the mounting STD bills,(do I hear multiple sighs of relief?), OCD forms such a large part of my life, that it has gone beyond mere straightening of bed-spreads of my childhood, to a desire to iron out creases, in all I see and encounter, up to a 100 km radius around me, including every body's lives, regardless of whether they want me to or not,(they just don't' know any better). Like Jeet, I too am probably rushing headlong towards a major disillusionment, which will probably break me and my Ideals, once and for all, because, up until now, I have managed to bounce back, from all that life has very graciously slapped me with, like the proverbial rubber ball. Moreover,(am I supposed to start a line in this manner? ), now-a-days, I manage to see the funny side, very often non-existent and entirely self-fabricated, even in themost horrible things, and that too when they are happening to me.

My sense of humor, too is going from the 'Cutely-Quirky' to the out-and-out weird, and then beyond, mood swings appear and disappear so fast, I am left spinning like a top,,A colorful one at that, because my dress sense, now consists of colors, most people politely term as "LOUD", Last night, this friend of mine was trying to convince me,again, that Silence is, indeed, most of the times, Golden, and I was busy trying to recall what Gold prices were at the moment, (unrelated? Odd? You really think so?)

I scare myself, most of the times, by all the energy I manage to pack in, within this petite (YES!!!!) frame, and my hospital staff are forever in a state of shock, poor beings.

Rudyard Kipling had once remarked, " It is better to write something about nothing, than write nothing about anything, at all",- This is just what I have been doing, verbally and mentally, for as long as I can remember, It was nice to find such a nice description to my madness!

PS: I am happy, the baby,(I had written of) though diagnosed as having Duodenal Atresia, has had the surgery, is recovering, and has been allowed milk, from today. Life rocks!

Morning Tea,,,,(A lesson in humility)

The fact that I did not post anything yesterday, was thanks to the utter dependability of the GP RS via BSNL, and somehow that made my day, incomplete.

A three day year old baby boy was operated upon, for a birth defect, at the local Medical College, and The Almighty willing, he should pull through. That was a good thing to have happened yesterday.

We doctors are supposed to entertain Herculean egos, and I wonder if that is the reason why I feel bad when I go to one of my seniors, for some Hospital related matter, and am made to wait outside, while a so-called important discussion is being held, and various clerical staff are maintaining a steady exodus, to and from the room. Is that my Ego, which felt the pinch, or is it the egos of the non-medical personnel we all encounter in our day-to-day lives, that feels pampered at this, 'putting us in our place'? I had a tough time tying to convince the staff of the shop, from where I had bought my laptop, to make a minor adjustment,in the hardware, yesterday, for the simple reason that I had forgotten to take along my receipt of sale, a mistake I accepted, but which made no dent in the intent of the person determined to teach me a much-needed lesson. This is in no way, meant to be a ' doctor v/s the rest of the world' kind of thing, but I cant help wonder, that life would be a much easier place, to get along in, and everything would get accomplished much sooner, in a much more pleasant and timely manner, if only people stopped trying to put us Doctors in our places, all the time,, Because, believe me when I say, we DO know our place, in the scheme of things, and I for one, do not tend to wear my degree on my forehead, as a status symbol, meant to put me above the rest of the world. I know the special privilege I have been given, as a Doctor, His little tool in making people forget their illnesses, for a while, and smile, and perhaps, sometimes, even make a sickness go away.