Hyderabad blues,,,

There are basically two types of people in the world,, and before the 'Gay rights activists' come and break my doors down, I wasn't referring to the obvious and somewhat passe' division of the sexes,,I meant something else, let me explain myself,,(groans and sighs anyone?).There are some lucky individuals on the face of this earth who seem to sail through their lives with all the ease and buoyancy of a spore bearing tuft of fluff, released by summer plants, to float on, carried by the winds, not mindful of the direction they were taking,always managing to fulfil their goal of propagation, no matter where they end up,,,, and then there are some others, like me who try their best to control what they do and how they do it, and who are so introspective that everything that goes wrong around them, in some crazed way,, maybe could have been prevented from happening, if only they had done something differently,,,.Trust me, if there was to be a nuclear holocaust, and I were to survive, (a remote possibility, the survival part I mean, not the Holocaust) I would manage to find a way, however remote and impossible, to link myself to the occurrence, I go through life, and there are a few other unfortunate idiotic souls like myself, constantly checking back, always on the look out for slip-ups, not because of any outside accountability, mind you,, but just because my OCD (there it goes again), never permits me to take it easy. Even when I am watching a movie, like I was last night, (Love story 2050 is an utter waste of time, and the only reason I went and sat through it was because many people felt I resemble the hero,, poor fellow, he is never going to make it in Bollywood,,) I could only think of better seats that I could have booked, how untidy the people were making the floors, with all the littering, how everybody was engaged in unhealthy gorging of gross oily snacks,,,,and on and on and on,,,,,,,I mean none of the issues were earth shattering enough, or totally in my control, to make any difference, whatsoever,, but when did I ever stop to listen to any voice of reason?

This is just an example,,,,a few days ago, a patient is brought to the ICU during my last night-shift, who is already too far gone, after ten days of suffering, with more then a couple of organs dysfunctional, dies within the next few hours,, and I am left with a dozen questions of how perhaps I could have done something different, when I knew all too well that there was nothing more to be done humanly,,,this goes on and on and on,,,,,,,

A 10 year old is struck with a malignancy and I am left with a million Whys and What ifs,,it doesn't pay to be so emotional and unduly attached to all the patients I see, but how do I stop myself? It doesn't pay to try and right all the wrong in the Universe,, but try telling that to the stupid thing in my head, which is all out of control,,m and never stops to think,,,,,,try telling me that everything that is meant to happen, will happen, no matter what,, but do I listen?