Random Ravings

Tale of a City

2010-09-06T20:53:00.004+05:30

Ostentatious- Once you have to Hyderabad, you never will have to look up its meaning in the dictionary.

It seems to be some sort of an ongoing theme people here live by, their whole lives revolving around it or dictated by it.

Its everywhere, evidence I mean.

Flashy cars driven by flashier looking 16 year olds, designer threads in the malls, and I do not only mean on the mannequins,,

People always look dressed for a party, which seems to be on perennially, and its one which every Hyderabadi has an open invite to. The "trendy" youth in foreign labels while another segment seems to have some deal with all the jewelery and sequin shops of the city, you could have practical "show and tell" classes for those interested in making a career in embroidery.

And don't get me started on the houses,, sorry I meant mansions. The road to and from the hospital I work at, which incidentally is one of the "poshest" neighborhoods of the city, is bordered on both sides by houses which look like ads for the good life. Porticoes, Grecian pillars, wide verandas,, asymmetrical extensions, manicured lawn,,,the works!!

The stretch of road I spoke of has almost all the major luxury car showrooms scattered along it, I always hang my head out of the autorickshaw door and drool at the cars on display, cars which I see zooming past me all the time. Rolls, Bentleys, Mercs, Beemers, Beetles and the Volvos galore.

Sigh!!

When I go to a mall to catch a movie, I spend some time looking at my co-viewers, while I am dressed like something the cat deigned to drag in on a night when the pickings were really slim, I see even 15 year olds with their other halves dressed like characters from 90210 or Gossip Girl, inspired by these very shows, I'm sure.

These people are firm believers in the glittery= gold theory. Salons, tattoo parlors never seem to be empty, I know someone who went out and got himself a tattoo worth 6000, just to let out some steam, If only I could do that, but at the rate I lose my temper, I'd look like a Persian carpet in a week,,,eyebrow deep in debt too!!

All these thoughts accompanied with a lot of grinding and gnashing of teeth (Envy not worms) were flying around in my head today, I was on my way back from "Landmark-the book store" having bought two books, having done all kinds of calculations first. Calculation? You wonder?,, well despite a 50% discount, it isn't possible for me to buy more than 2 books at a time, so what if I wanted to get a few more?

And then on my way back, I had to share space in a three wheeler with others like me, for there is another part to this city, one that's not so glittery and glamorous. The part inhabited by me and many like me, who look, see, dream and sometimes write satirical, scathing blogs on the attainable in life.

Grapes are indeed sour, you see!

Happy Teachers' Day

2010-09-05T14:43:00.002+05:30

A big thank you and lots of love to all the wonderful teachers I've had.

You guys really rock!

P.S- An extra wish for my mum, who was a teacher too, and one of the bravest I've known, she spent the last year of her service, fighting to save her school's land from falling into the hands of unscrupulous land grabbers, and got the boundary wall done, despite a lot of opposition from both bureaucratic and some public quarters.

The OMEN reborn?

2010-09-02T16:29:00.002+05:30

I am almost done with what has been an extra exhausting day at work, probably due to the fact that I slept for a total of 3 hours last night, was up till almost 3, chatting with friends who had dropped in.

Despite the pseudo hangover I"m having, I'd do it all over again tonight.

while getting ready to come to work, in the morning I had the news on and happened to catch this story, it was a video shot by a doting parent or other family member I guess, and it showed a pretty little girl, standing beside a serene lake, picking up infant puppies from a wicker basket and hurling them into the water. One by one, she drowned them all!!

I was beyond horror!

What sort of a psychological make-up must she have to be able to calmly and cold-bloodedly do that, even hardened criminals are seldom able to withstand a puppies charms, and there she was!

I really wondered who the person wielding the camera was too, I mean, it had to be an adult, what on earth must have been going through their heads to presume that the act being played out in front of their eyes was cute enough to be filmed and then shared with the world?

Having grown up in a house where we had up to 18 dogs at a time, I cannot even begin to describe what I felt.

This is meant to be an outpouring of my indignation, please do not look for elegance of thought or a better turn of prose!!

My "Bucket" list.

2010-01-11T17:11:00.004+05:30

The passing years have not been kind to me at all, ask my back that invariably creaks and groans every morning, ask the remaining hair on my head mourning the loss of more than half their brethren, down the drain pipe, ask the various lines on my face, ask my cheque-book which has more pages than the actual contents of the account it represents, no,the years haven't been kind to me at all.
At this point of my life, speaking like a true veteran, there are a couple of wishes I'd loooove t have fulfilled,,
Shall we start?

A 2 bedroom flat, in a quiet neighbourhood.
A dog,
A small car (the NANO wud do just fine) to commute with.
A flat screen TV, (note I don't ask for a plasma)
And above all,,,my parents staying with me

It all boils down to the fact that I've been rolling around no gathering no moss, since the last 15 years, and I guess I'm real tired.
I miss having my parents around, I miss sitting around coal fires on chilly January evenings chatting about inconsequential stuff with Mum, Baba playing the perfect listener in all this.
I miss cooking for them, Baba loves something that I make out of Maggi, Vegetables, Eggs and absolutely no water.
I miss all the evenings that we sent at my aunt's, gorging on all the delicacies rustled up by my Bhabhi, coming back home to stuffed to eat, yet finding just enough space for those tasty lentil fritters.
I miss the smell of cooking cauliflowers,
I miss our garden.
I miss seeing the placid, happy face of Baba.
The list goes on and on,,,,
My mum and Baba are old, they aren't going to be around much longer, I'm not being morbid, just realistic for a change, and I'd love to be there to take care of their aches and pains, rather than serve humanity.
Every time I take care of a patient or do something nice for someone, I make a wish that someone out there does the same for my parents, when they need it, it is almost as if I trust the Universe to balance things out.
I can live my life for myself anytime I want to, my parents deserve my time, and me, for now.

Guardian angel of mine

2010-01-06T22:16:00.004+05:30

2010 has started off with a real bang!!
Not the costly, noisy, fruits of child labour kind of bangs!!!, I leave those for my moneyed and sense less friends,
it has started off with a real bang-up of a mess here in AP, guess I manage to drag political and public unrest wherever I go,,(remember where I come from?).
Anyway, my partner to a very exclusive, by invite only party for two, by the roadside, below our hostel, was this three legged dog. this dog who roams the streets near our hostel, where during the day there are a lot of eateries open, which translate into a lot of scraps behind when they close shop for the day,, and you can usually find him curled up in some corner nearby, as the night progresses.
I remember feeding him a biscuit or two, a long time back, and since then whenever I come and go from the hospital to the hostel ,at all odd times during the night, there he is, like a wobbly, jumping shadow, limping along behind me, gambolling in a weird three legged way around me, seeing me safely across the street, and I swear he hangs around until I turn around and wave or yell, almost as if to say, "there, I am safely across, You can leave now",, I swear, he does that.
like my guardian angel, or at least that is what he thinks he is,,
I can't help smiling whenever I see him, for a dog with a handicap, and in this canine eat canine world, it is a pretty big handicap to be living with, he is just so cheerful, always smiling, (now do not tell me dogs cannot smile, they can!), always chirpy, never staid, never quiet, he even gets up on my shoulders with his one good front leg, and gives me an extra big grin from time to time, and weirdly enough, those are always the days when I am extra pissed at something, or someone. it is uncanny.
Well, we munched on biscuits and whispered the New Year in,
I just wish I was more like him, at peace with my own handicaps, at peace with the world.
happy New Year Guys!!

Chaotic times

2009-08-13T23:24:00.003+05:30

It is really like life in a Robin Cook story, a sleazy production of one, at least. Everywhere I turn, masks assault the eyes, in various sizes, transparencies and colours.
People rushing about their jobs, or loitering around, all with this new accessory on their faces. Pretty soon I am expecting someone to launch couture versions of these infernal eye-sores. Hyderabadis being the Bling-loving, ostentatious, fun-loving people that they are, this isn't going to be a deterrent to their lives, for very long. There is talk of shutting down the Malls, I shudder to even think of such an eventuality. Kameeney's coming out this Friday, for crying out loud.
Jokes apart, the numbers are rising, people are dropping like flies, it's almost as if the Virus is carrying out a personal vendetta. Containing the virus in a country like ours is going to be an impossible task, the people are largely illiterate, likely to panic at the first given opportunity, then there is that small group of people, (let us call them entrepreneurs, for want of a better word) that will hoard up on medications, make a killing (sic!) on the black-grey market, a few doctors are going to get beaten up, a few ministers will be given the ever-novel opportunity of airing their empty brains on a global stage, the teeming masses, everyday on the increase, the up-coming festive season, the insurmountable difficulties in implementing any public welfare programme of any kind, throw in a few communal clashes in between, (Why? when did we ever need a reason to behave like animals?), and you have it,,,,,The Swine Flu Effect in India...Trust me, there will never be a grander show for many years to come!
On top of all this chaos, when people are looking for any excuse to be happy, there are even a few like me, who try and find solace between the pages of a book, but thanks to people like Meenakshi Reddy Madhavan, even that seems like a distant dream.
I was re-reading one of my childhood favourites, "Pollyanna", a book I like, for the optimism and the simple, almost magical solutions it offers, to some of life's problems, when I came across one of the lady's articles in a leading daily, where she tore into this book and several other favorites as well, making them sound like books designed with the single purpose of enslaving women all over the world, managing to find so-called "loop holes" in their plots, not even sparing authors like Susan M Coolidge and L Alcott,,,,.
I am amazed how a few lewd lines about an imaginary lifestyle gives someone the literary acumen to critique these great books.
For those who have read books like "Little Women", "What Katy did", and the "Anne" series, you will know why I am enraged. These books gave me countless hours of innocent pleasure when I was younger, and I still go back to them from time-to-time,, reading that stupid article made me feel like someone just abused my childhood friends, and that is not a very pleasant sensation.

As crimes go,,

2009-07-29T22:48:00.002+05:30

As my foul mood continues, and I cannot think of anything good right now, I am going to try and put down something I have been thinking of, for quite some time now.

RAPE,,,,,,, No, I am not about to go and commit what all of us know is a heinous crime, I just have been thinking that the laws in our country, or for that matter, anywhere in the world is clear pertaining to this barbaric act, the woman just has to holler "Rape!!" and the person on whom the finger gets pointed, gets thrown into a mire, out of which he is able to climb out, only when he manages to prove, beyond the least bit of doubt, what-so-ever, that he has not committed the said crime.
Isn't it just a little too much power in any one's hands?

Some woman who has it in for a man, just has to cook up a story, sufficiently plausible, and accuse the person of having raped her, no proof needed, no justification sought. The man sees his worst nightmares come to life.
It has happened too, a few weeks back, the dutiful wife of a petty Mumbai hustler, accused the local police chief of having picked her up, ostensibly to question her about her crook of a husband, and along with his fellow-policemen, brutally raped her.
Result- The senior officer gets transferred, suspended, his name gets sullied and the entire onus of proving his innocence falls on his shoulders.
The ever ravenous media smell fresh blood, fall on the story with all the zeal and fervour accorded to all sleazy stories. after a lot of due and undue coverage, the "lady"finally confessed to having concocted the whole thing up, why? To prevent the said officer from getting his hands on her guilty husband.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that rapes do not happen, they take place much too frequently, much to my utter disgust, but my question is, in the midst of the 99 guilty men, appropriately accused and duly punished, what of that 1 man who is wrongly framed, and that too by someone who knows the power she enjoys,,What then?
The law always maintains that a 100 guilty men may walk off free but no innocent should ever made to face persecution.
How does one make sure that the Anti-Rape laws, which are meant to protect as many as possible, do not become tools in the hands of a manipulative few?
How does one do that?

Sanity- What is that?

2009-07-26T22:47:00.005+05:30

Its been a long time.
When you get to my age, time becomes relative,, (No, I didn't say RELATED, I said relative).
Age does seem to be catching up with me, I have started getting irritated by other people talking too loud, or calling out to each other in loud voices,,,while it seems all right if I do the screaming.
Strange? Not at all, I don't scream, just speak emphatically as and when required. So there!!
Anyway, it has been a long time since I felt the inclination to sit in front of an unfriendly, blinking, blue screen, pouring my heart out to it,,,unless,,
Unless I can make a horcrux or two out of them.
I really can't imagine what on earth gave me the idea that I could do this day in day out, being a doctor I mean.
I cannot really remember how my last four months have just swished by, in a blur. If you ask me to recollect anything important during that time, I'd be really straining my grey cells, (if I have any left, that is). Life's a mess and I can hardly hold one single thought in my head for more than a minute,,Age?
Someone who is very dear to me called me up, as he usually does, I was eye-deep in stress, said I would call him up,, and am still trying to gather enough thoughts together in my head, to make a conversation out of it. Sorry "V".
It's not that I don't want to.
The only saving grace in all this while has been the promise of rains. Each day I wake up to gloomy, cloud-swept skies. Yummy.
Anyone going through this is welcome to point out even a single line that made sense to them.
PS. Landmark has opened up here. I am yet to go there!
PS. SIGH

NEWS

2009-06-21T10:57:00.004+05:30

"World music day",,,,yet music is one of the farthest things on my mind as I hear my mum, on the phone, describe a town burning.. Yes, my sleepy little home-town has managed to grab a 1 minute slot on National Television this Sunday morning, wedged between more important stories like the BJP leaders mudslinging, an HIV+ve woman being actually "labelled" as such, the Titans facing off in the oh so important T2o Finals,,,and so on........

I struggle hard to try and remember Haflong as I once saw it, quiet, serene and idyllic, during our so called rebellious college years we would crib of how things never seemed to happen where we lived, real life just seemed to give us a wide berth, little did we know then of what was to come. On the news spot, I saw the intrepid journalist who had the sense to travel to a refugee camp in my town where he was shown with children on his lap, around him, wide-eyed, staring at the TV crew, unaware of what was going on, just knowing that they had left behind all things familiar, and were forced to walk for miles with cloth bundles on their heads, to come to a place crowded with similarly scared, bemused children. Thus is the state of my land. The newly formed NIA has its first assignment in trying to solve the intricate weave of terrorism, self-rule and corruption that has found a safe haven in this woody paradise, for the past decade. The local Governing body has been dissolved, yet again, the power to run it given to an 89 year old man, who was hospitalised the very next day that he took over,,,we cringe at the memory of something similar in the not-so-distant past, when another old man had opened his greedy mouth wide and it had to be stuffed with crores of the towns-peoples' money before things went back to their original bad state. There is a curfew that has been imposed, which takes effect from 8pm every single night for the past few months, my parents and countless others like them have moulded their lives, both social and essential, around it. The state Government and the Central machinery seem like stuff out of fairy tales, what is justice and law for the rest of the country does not seem to percolate down to our level. Houses burn, people are ruthlessly massacred, children too, scores of people are displaced from the lives and homes they knew, thrust into a future rife with uncertainties, but how many people know what is going on there ?, under the leafy forest cover, that was once our pride and now seems so sinister.....when will the media, so engrossed in more "news-worthy" bytes realise that while they run after elevated TRPs, a small world burns, and if something is not done soon, if someone does not see it fit to remove the layer of apathy from the eyes of the rest of my countrymen and my leaders,,,I shall lose my world, my small little hill-town, a place I grew up in, a place where people still walk for miles to catch an overfilled bus, once a week, to come to a town, far away, buy an entire weeks commodities, and go back home, tired, an entire day behind them, only to repeat the whole process in another 7 days, a place where there is so much money and so much lucre, that there are guns all around, grabbing hands, killing hands and all hidden from the rest of the country, partly due to apathy, and partly due to ignorance.

Travails unlimited

2009-03-25T12:38:00.001+05:30

Maudlin melodies on the net, thanks to Internet Radio, and a lovely sunny,wind-blown day,,,an impending nighter after two days of well-earned rest,,life is good. Add to it the fact that I was out on my favourite activity yesterday,,shopping. So what if it was for mundane and utterly prosaic stuff (read Undies, bed-linen, flip-flops, a wallet,,), retail therapy works, every time!

On my way back I discovered the joys of weightlessness, once again,,,as one of my ex-friends (notice the sudden icy chill?) used to say, being a "feather-weight" has its own advantages, your self esteem is much better than when you were a hippo in man-skin, plus it makes you ready for any upcoming NASA auditions for their future space programs,,they do need fussy, cleanliness freaks out there, trust me! Back to the auditions,,, every time I am out, availing of the public transportation, be it bus, cab or the three wheeled demon-vehicle called an (?) Auto I am at the mercy of the laws of physics, the wind condition of the day and all other elements that are in my immediate vicinity. I happened to be in an (shudder!!) Auto, while returning from my little trip yesterday,,and I found myself tossed around in its confines, thanks to the drivers love of cross-country rallies, I pretty soon was sitting on an unknown lap,( the sheer embarrassment of it),,snug as a bug in a rug on a rainy night, after one slightly more violent undulation of the vehicle,,.gives you a pretty good idea of what floating in space must entail,, after that I more or less hung on with all I had, read teeth, claws, legs,,,,till my destination was reached. Needing something strong to steady my jangling nerves, I headed for the small tea place near my hostel,,,,Yes! Tea! What do you take me for? It was just 5.30 in the evening?

Finally! I was in the safety of my room, I proceeded to put on a movie,,Eragon it was,, and relaxed.

PS.The Nano is out, right? Maybe,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Friggin' trying times

2009-03-18T21:41:00.003+05:30

I saw my face in the mirror, just now,in passing, mind you (lest you credit me with some Narcissistic tendencies), and I could swear my face looked like Meena,,,,,,, the Kumari, I mean, and I surely do not have any leanings towards cross-dressing . My life is such a melodramatic, sad, tragic, sob-story right now, even Shakespeare would be proud of it,,let me enumerate how,,,I am on alternate nights, because of some impending International audit, that is the official version at least, my version of things are, I believe, more accurate, they just do not want my face hanging around to sour the milk, so to say, when the Phoren gents and Laydies come a-calling, anyways,, so I am on these nightmarish alternate nighters, hardly able to tell one day from the next, what with spending all my time, curled-up in bed, asleep, or guzzling coffee, by the gallon, trying to keep my peepers seperated while at work. To top it, and this really hurts, the Humongantic water-filter-cum-chiller-cum-dispenser in my hostel has picked the perfect time to call for an early, albeit well-deserved retirement. I am parched during all my waking hours, and am reduced to lugging huge bottles of chilled water from the Hospital at all odd hours. Maybe I just have not been noticing, but my hostel seems to be inhabited mostly by camels, I am the only guy seriously pissed enough to be on the phone, a dozen times a day, trying to get the blessed thing resurrected,, but with all the,"Daagtarr, ho jayega Daaagtaaar-ing", I have had it upto HERE with it all. The sweet Amma who was cleaning lady-cum-breakfast-fetcher,for the entire hostel, had a nasty fall a couple of days back, and is laid up in bed, with half-a-dozen stitches on her fore-head, (God bless her),thus,,,the Hostel is literally swathed in dog-poo, all the boarders have rave parties all night, food is literally flung around, and all the dogs in the Tri-state area seem to congregate here at night, gate crashing, and all this junk-food is sure upsetting quite a few canine tummies,,,,my OCD is in its death-throes. it has been six days of living in a smelly hell, oh, I am cleaning my room all right, rest assured on that particular count, but I have to crawl through two friggin' floors of stench, and coated, smeared floors, every time I go out of or come back to my room.

If you read an Obituary bemoaning yours' truly, in the next few days, please do remember that I was made a martyr to filth and tap water.

It is time to go back for some water, let me go put on my Scuba gear, bye folks,,wish me luck, or simply a speedy end.

PS, Forgive the typos, am too upset!!

COLOURS

2009-03-12T16:22:00.002+05:30

Holi came and went, leaving me with its colours,
Blood and gore, the irremovable stains of parents' tears, the black stain of drunken driving, the unwashable hues of peoples' misery, left all alone to suffer.
The stain of sweat on my brow and the imprint of guilt on my soul, as I spent an entire night, filled with futile attempts to stop 2 lives from slipping away, these were the colours of Holi for me. How do you tell the 70 year old parents of a student, when they call you, long-distance, that their son is hanging-on, by his teeth,?
The colours were so different, I was so different, the stained faces and hands meant happier things once, I long for 'that-boy' to come back into my life.
It is a 24 hour joy-ride for me, guess I better go back in, the families need 'counselling' and 'consoling', and I need my high.

To a boy I once knew.

2009-03-10T19:16:00.004+05:30

There once was a small boy, the only child of his parents, fat and ugly, his head immersed in a book at most times, he was seldom seen without one, books and scraps of paper, with words on them accompanied him everywhere he went, saw each morsel of food enter his mouth and possibly the culmination of that particular process the next morning. School ended never too soon for him, the window seat in the small library of his tiny hill-town beckoned, where he would be found, curtains drawn around him, engrossed in the adventures of the people from the pages of the book he was reading at the moment, their lives were so much more interesting than his own. The characters he loved were endless, each dear to him, be it the lying Pinocchio, the sisters Meg, Jo, Amy and Beth, Black-beauty, Lorna Doone, Huck-Finn and his friends or Oliver terrorised by Fagin. He followed the Famous five on all their adventures, pointed out clues to the Hardy brothers, all the while wishing that they would join forces with Nancy and her pals.

The lone book shop in his town was another haunt, the comic book heroes as much a part of his life as real-life people. Tintin and Snowy made him long for a dog of his own. Birthdays came and went, bringing more books with them, he still had the copy of 'What Katy did' that his father gave him on one such Birthday. He went on to Pygmalion and heavier tomes, the hunger driving him to learn Bengali, so that he could be a part of the world his mum spoke of, she too read, period.

His best memories were of those early childhood days, curled up in the Library window, he spent whole evenings there, reading until darkness made the words on the page blur or until his mum came looking for him, light in hand. Study hours were quickly dealt with, the unfinished stories beckoned. Happiness was always just the turn of a page away, demands were few and desires were limited to the contents of a 'to read' list.

I search for the boy still, at times, and wish he was here. I wish he was still here.

Sanctuary

2009-03-08T10:36:00.002+05:30

There is this particular tree (no I am not going fashionably green), the lush, laden boughs of which shelter my peaches and cream skin from the ever envious sun. I am accustomed to standing beneath it several times each day, enjoying my only vice,,,Tea!! This place is a vantage point (saw the movie?), it gives me a view of my work-place and its approach. Every time I stand there, sipping my brew, reiterating my Assamese-ness (?), I stare at the stream of swanky rides that pull up into the drive. Mercs, Beemers, Jags, Audis, Volvos, Hondas,,,,the list is never ending, much like the money these guys seem to have,,Sigh!!!!

Standing here I can also bitch to myself, to my hearts content, how people can so blatantly disregard other peoples health and manage to blow noxious cigarette smoke into my nose and mouth,,,,,,

Standing here, I invariably get the chance to honour my commitment to SLM, I did promise never to let any child begging on the streets return empty handed, and I religiously see that I keep that deal.

This is one of the only parts of the day, I am with things I love, my cup of Tea, the way the tree sheds its tiny leaves, sometimes into my cuppa, this 'Gulmohur' taking me back to my College and its red and yellow-strewn lawns and roads, rain-soaked, verdant, vibrant ,,,it takes me even further back into the recesses of my memories, to long walks back from school, along roads, carpeted with fallen blossoms, sharing laughter and yarns with friends most of whom are lost, no-longer in touch.

This is a time I keep for myself, when I shrug off a bad night, brace myself for a gruelling day, always knowing that I can return to this spot for a touch of reassurance, for a whiff of familiarity, of Home.

Of dreams and Nightmares

2009-03-02T11:19:00.003+05:30

Most of the my days recently, have had a strange dream-like quality to them, and I say dream-like because I have aways felt that the border between a dream and a night-mare is an often blurry, thin line, hard to make out at the best of times, much like sanity and insanity.
Dream like,,,,I never seem to be in control of what is going on around me, what is so new in that piece of news, you might ask, nothing,,,except for the fact that now a days, I seem to be more lost than I usually am, and that is quite an achievement I can tell you. When ever I manage to get some time off from my work (?), and pause to draw breath, I feel myself slip into a sepia-tinted dream, where the same evil, uncontrollable things keep happening, again and again. I am like a mute spectator, hands tied behind my back, for good measure, and I cannot intervene, cannot do anything to repair the rents that start appearing.
All the events that have transpired in the past few months of my glorious life, come back to haunt me, every vivid, stark detail,,,,, the pleasant times too, but with evil twists in the end, of the kind that J A would be proud of.
No, I have not taken up smoking pot, with the salary I draw (hint, hint!!), I am lucky if I can smoke left-over stumps and the fag-end of fags, not the human variety.
Now, I have gone and said something politically incorrect. Shit!
Back to dreaming for me.

Another attempt at life.

2009-02-23T11:36:00.004+05:30

I have never been a great believer of resurrections, (forgive me oh Lord!) I never had the strength of character to visualise someone going through one, let alone experience one for myself. But things change.

For a change I woke up bright and early today, wanting to be a part of the "Slumdog hysteria" that has gripped all and sundry around me. I was dragged out of a stupor last night and made to sit through, what I thought would be the sheer torture of 3 hours of Abhishek Baba, or in less confusing terminology, I was dragged to a late night showing of "Delhi 6", and apart from the fact that I surprisingly enjoyed the experience, I was awed to notice that many had come there to show their solidarity to the great genius of a man called "Rahman", since he scored the absolutely magnificent music for this movie too. The topic of choice at the Pop-corn stand and the loo was whether Rahman would really complete this dream run with the icing on his cake of success,,

Come 9.30 am today,,he did!

Mumbai stands vindicated, we stand vindicated, and contrary to what many are saying, this film does not expose anything that isn't already there, it shows that we have a never-say-die spirit, which is our main survival tool. It is not about cinematic genius alone, it is also for timing and destiny. There in the audience was Mickey Rourke too, who has made a brilliant comeback from near-ignonimity with his film this year, then there were the children, sorry,, the"slum-dogs" from our streets, rubbing shoulders with Legends of the Screen, there was Rahman drowning every voice of criticism with his virtuoso-like performance,,What is this, if not a dream come true?

This was a dream, and a great one at that, the one thing that I carried home with me after watching "Slumdog Millionaire" was the spirit of a city, a nation of people who truly, deep somewhere in their hearts, do believe that things, ultimately, finally, will go right, that we will come up Aces, we are like an entire country of the proverbial tortoises, pipping many a Hare to the finishing-line.

I have been away from this for almost 50 days,,I have been going through some tough times, health-wise (thanks Lambu-ji, for calling up, and sorry I wasn't able to talk much that day, there were reasons), and today's events made me decide to give things one more shot, one more try. I am going to see if things can be sorted out

"Jai-Ho",,,,,,, the lines in the song really are good. They make you want to believe, "Slumdog" wants you to believe.

Gay Sunday..

2009-01-18T19:20:00.003+05:30

Just got over two very days of torture,, what else would anyone call 10 hellish hours, a day, spent cooped up in an air-conditioned (read stale air, re-re-re-cycled) space, listening to a bunch of people air their knowledge, a great chunk of whom just do not know that they have got to relearn entire books on phonetics, and peruse a few good joke books while they are at it.

See what I go through for the sake of self-betterment?

Anyways, after the end-credits rolled , I rushed out of there and decided to walk a part of the way, back to my match-box. I wasn't disappointed, Sunday in Hyderabad and you are treated to a feast for your eyes, there is something to suit every one's tastes, people are out in full plumage.

So, here I was, walking along, alone, my Giordano backpack on one shoulder (have to name drop for the sake of revenue), minding my own business, lost in thoughts, too quick silvery, too varied to put down here, and I saw this simply gorgeous, drool-worthy Rolls-Royce sedan, I tell you, I still have goose-bumps from the sight. I stood and stared, unashamed, unabashed. The car was at a red-light, and that gave me my chance, while I was gaping like an idiot, the window swooshed down, rolled down does not do justice, and a young, hep-looking male popped out his face and asked me if I wanted to be dropped off anywhere,,,now get this, I am not someone who ordinarily hitches rides, nor am I usually that approachable, but please try and understand,,,this was a Rolls for crying out loud.

So, with a sweeter than usual smile on my face, in I hopped in, into HEAVEN. The window slid up, the music was on, Delhi 6 (by the way get the soundtrack, its lovely), and we get to talking, as in, I sit and nod or shake my head, in between ogling the glorious insides of this dream machine. The light changes and he asks where I wanted to be dropped off, when I think of it later, I think that was when I should have had alarms go off, he wasn't going my way, at all. But I was busy you see, busy being an idiot. So we are on our way, when I notice a lul in the conversation, he had asked me a question, flummoxed, I asked him to repeat what his question was, and he said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,," What are your rates?" I am world-wise, but it took me 10 seconds to get it, he thought I was a what???????????? I did not know whether to laugh, cry or kick,,I was that taken aback, and anyone who knows me will vouch that I am never lost for a retort. I sat there catching flies, when he repeated his question, and said that he was looking for company to while a Sunday evening away and that I was the best he had seen in Hyderabad so far.

I murmured something, I do not remember what, but whatever it was, it made him pull over, stop and unlock the door, out I jumped, walked away, without breathing, and did not stop till I was back in my room.

I am still trying to recall my answer.

Moon-lighting?

A kite, freed..

2009-01-14T12:42:00.002+05:30

It is that time of the year again, stiff breezes blow me off my path whenever I come out of doors, kites dot the horizon and since early morning today, prayers waft to my ears from the nearby temple. People are busy celebrating a new life with the new harvest season, and in the midst of all this the Goddess of wealth, good fortune and happiness lies in the ICU, her skeletal remains awaiting the final moments, her body, battered and bruised, by neglect and old-age, her soul, along with the rest of her, pock-marked with bed-sores. A few years back she was someone to reckon with, diamonds in her nose and ears, a number of children, all self-sufficient and earning well and a loving husband, where did everything go wrong? When was she picked out of the home she had known forever and deposited into the money-hungry hands of an Old-age home? When did life pass her by and become a living hell for her? When did she have the first of several falls that left her crippled and decrepit? When did she start silently bearing the humiliation of soiling her bed and having to lie there, till someone found the time or the goodness of heart to clean her up? When did the bed sores that cover her now, making anyone who goes near her wrinkle their nose, start to appear? Whydid the children never see any of this, and why did they have to wait till she was on the brink of death to come and deposit her in a hospital ICU bed? Why are they awaiting an end to the auspicious celebrations before they finally take her home, one last time, so that they can give her a formal burial? For all intents and purposes she has been dead and buried a long time ago.

I cannot make any judgements, but do tell me how to keep a straight face and a civil tongue while dealing with these people who, so willingly condemn the very person that sustained them with her flesh, blood and bones, to a life like this and a death that perhaps is better in many ways than the last few years of her life?

The world celebrates a new beginning, and a life quietly awaits an end to the ignominy it has suffered, the prayers drone out the hiss of the machines that pump breaths into her, keeping her alive till that hour comes. We have forgotten our human frailties and are trying to play God. He sees all.

Among all the kites straining their bonds is one which has managed to free itself, look how it flies free,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Being a Catty B****

2009-01-04T15:03:00.003+05:30

I finally have a New Year resolution, have never been a great lover of such knowingly- temporary self-improvement techniques, but as they say, if you can't beat 'em,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

So, I finally have a New-Year resolution, (Deja-vu anyone?) I am going to be at my cattiest and bitchiest best all through this year.Now to qualify things, all references made to animal life and likening the female of the same to seemingly nasty characteristics are made intentionally, and are born out of utter respect for those traits, these are the very condiments of an otherwise very bland, Idli-Upma life for me here. I am gonna be catty, and this is something I actually am any good at, trust me! When I want to, I can beat the best of them at their own game, and we are talking all aces here. I do have further testimony to my above-mentioned skills,(refer to erstwhile Eureka's coments on Moi' in his fab blog), and am further inspired in this by another blogger I love visiting, "P", who said that 'ghar ka khana' has kept my way with words at the same nonsensical level (Phew!).

This is the only, one and only resolution I am making, because believe it or not, being a B**** is a full time and exhausting job, and there are standards to be met and competition to be kept at bay, so here is to an extremely entertaining (for me) and inviting New Year, if it were not for this great resolution that I took, I would have simply hated this year, in fact, come to think of it, I somewhat, already do.!

PS. It was 'celeBrations' and not what did actually come out of typo-land.

PPS. Thanks P

My own special celerations

2009-01-01T14:47:00.002+05:30

Hi, I am back, will take me quite some time to gather myself together, and to top it all, I did not usher in my New Year in a very good way, but then when you are dealing with me, isn't that what we all expect? After spending a 'not more than usually shitty' day in the ICU, I run out, buy provisions and rush to my friend's place, to cook dinner for three people, we two and his brother, rather pleased at the quiet plans, only to reach there to find that there has been a change in plans and it seems we are all going out to dine, it was not for fear of being subjected to my cooking, let me assure you, for I have been told by quite a few guys, and gals that I am a decent cook, some of them out in blogger-world would be able to vouch for me, anyways, we do manage to go out, and also to find a table for 4 at one of the better dine-houses in Hyderabad, and THAT was a miracle in itself, let me tell you, for it seems that the whole of Hyderabad had the same venue in mind for their revelries. While waiting for our table to dislodge its previous diners, I got a message from my bank telling me that my salary has been deposited, only to discover that I had been subjected to a pay-cut, just because I decided to pay my parents a visit, well!!!!!!!!! Lucky me.

We finally finish dinner, catch hold of an auto, and let me tell you guys, these guys were on top-form, demanding cut-throat prices and getting them too, when on the way back, a team of police-men decide to stop us, subject the driver AND us to breathalyser tests, can you beat that? Pretty soon it will be illegal if you are dastardly enough to hail yourself an auto or a taxi, after a few drinks, rather than indulge in recklessly dangerous drunk-driving, and think you can pull a fast stunt, Huh!! our police force are up to all our evil plans, they will be lying in wait, don't say I didn't warn you. Well, so you see, I rang in my New Year in a grand way, hope you all fared better.

Here's wishing all of you a Very Happy ans Safe New Year!!

Off on a Hiatus,

2008-12-08T13:52:00.003+05:30

Packing time again, and then I leave, first for my last night-shift for a while, and then come 4 pm tomorrow, I go home. Not so easy, in between will be "the journey", Any one who knows where Haflong is and its relative distance from Hyderabad will get the inverted commas, I am expecting to be with Mum and Dad by 5 pm on the 11th, that is if all goes well and there are no unaccountable, hitherto unseen delays en-route.

I am on pins and needles, this is going to be my first really long train trip, fingers crossed and all that. I have got my hands on J K Rowlings' new offering, "Tales of Beedle the Bard", and intend to carry it with me, let us see how that book fares.

I shall be away from my blog for the duration of the trip as the GPRS connections at home are somewhat awry, what with the stringent security measures we live with, and I am not very used to blogging from Internet Cafes,, so, till next time, Take care and wish me a safe and uneventful trip, and you could also wish me a nice travel partner for a change,,

I hope to have great stuff for you when I get back.

Bye.

More Ravings.

2008-12-07T10:40:00.003+05:30

So it is after yet another night-shift I find myself spouting more nonsense, is it the lack of sleep that is responsible for my subjecting you all to this verbose torture?

Anyways, it happens to be the birthday of one of my friends and yet another friend has written a post on his blog of the inconsequential nature of B'day festivities, shall I go ahead and add my two-bit to it? Birthdays, I for one love them, be it mine or someone Else's, when I was in school they were a chance to get rid of uniforms, for a day at least, sweets distributed in class, everyone standing up to sing 'Happy Birthday' to you, while you stood silently, simpering and trying to act coy and that was a difficult combo, let me tell you. Come evening and the guests are due to arrive, you are bedecked in some silly outfit that your parents picked out for you, and in which you loo too pretentious for words, anticipation builds up, and I always used to be anxiety ridden till the first guest showed up, somehow always sure that nobody would actually show up and the party would be spoilt. Then came the turn for me to act surprised as I got the various gifts, surprise because I invariably got what ever I was secretly coveting,, and why not, I ask? When I had gone to such pains to hand out complete lists, well in advance..

Years rolled by, quite a few of them, and still birthdays are a time of happiness for me, so what if the number of people to wish me have dwindled to just family and two or three very sweet people who bother to remember. Gifts still matter, but now they are more from me to myself. As each year rolls by, we grow older and every year on the day we happened to be born, we tend to look back, with regret, longing and look ahead with dread and trepidation, the future looking bleak, unsure and so scary.No one likes growing old, at least I do not, ergo, the Henna in my hair today, but grow old we must and isn't it better to take the inevitable with a pinch of salt, and try to make the best of it? I shudder to even think that I might have a birthday, ever, when there will be nobody to wish me, no one to ask for or enjoy a party.

So, have a blast while you still can is my advice.

Cheers!!

Vampires and Graveyards,,,contd.

2008-12-03T15:45:00.002+05:30

Treat this as another PS, albeit a delayed one,,Went out and got myself the remainder three books, and have already started on the second one in the series, "New Moon",, Bella and Edward have broken up, so that she would stay out of danger, this is after she is nearly killed by Edwards' brother who is still newly "born" and is therefore adjusting to their family norm of 'No Human Blood Shalt Ever Cross These Here Lips'. Great reading so far,, anyways, got to go and bathe, get dolled up to start my own graveyard shift, thanx to afore-mentioned sadist of a boss.

Did I say dolled up? Out of the 9 patients in my ICU, 5 are in a coma, 3 are not totally in their senses and 1 bed was vacant when I last left,, so you can see who I try to impress when I play dress up. No wonder this world of Vampires seems to appeal to me, am nothing short of one, myself.

Till next time,, stay safe.

Of Vampires and Graveyards..

2008-12-03T09:30:00.004+05:30

Back from another night of fun, sheer fun at the ICU where someone, (read irate attendant who was not allowed entry into the ICU at 11 pm by yours truly) gave me a lesson on the WHO norms for transperancy in ICUs and I got a chance to be at my silkiest and sarcastic best, after a long, long time.

As I have no doubt enlightened you earlier, I am in the habit of buying books in bulk, whenever I have the requisite resources and then enjoying them at leisure, much like a cow ruminates, this time I picked up the first book in Stephenie Meyers' vampire series, "Twilight",,,,,and I simply could not put it down, it was that good a read. Written in the first person by this American teenage girl 'Bella' which is short for Isabella, by the way, who relocates to stay with her father, both her parents live seperately being divorced and all that, and there, in small town America, she comes across this family of atypical vampires, by which I mean that these are not your run of the mill blood-sucking monsters, they do suck blood mind you, but only of animals, and this girl falls in love with the youngest son of the family, who is just a century old by the way, and the (?) guy too is irrevocably drawn to her. The one-liners here are fabulous and the whole thing is one great page-turner. It ends with a prom, leaving you, thirsting (?) for more.

So I am going to post this freshen up and go get me the rest of the three books in the series, inspite of being half-dead from lack of sleep, which by the way does nothing for the way I look, and despite the fact that my sadist of a boss has me on another graveyard shift tonight.

So, if any of you have not read this book, and do not belong to the so-called clan of Intellectuals who would rather die than be caught with pulp-fiction in their hands, go get the books and read them, you are gonna love them.

PS. they are making a movie out of the series and the first is due to release soon.

PPS. This is a special thank you to those guys who are from Kansas and California, who stop by regularly, waste enough of their time to go through this. Thanks guys, wish you would leave a comment or two sometimes though.

PPPS. "J", why aren't you writing at all?

Woolies,,,

2008-12-02T14:32:00.002+05:30

Any levity at such times seems so treasonous but then you do need to hold things together and so this post, this is something I had been meaning to share for quite a while,, a fortnight back when things were really rainy, cold, clammy and absolutely 'yummy' here, my Mum who spends a large part of her now retired life , when she is not in the kitchen, on the 'phone, reading or out in the garden fussing my dad while he worked (no he isn't a gardener by profession, he is retired too), she is surfing the news channels, and there are quite a few of those as you know, so anyways, she is watching how Chennai is flooded and the Low-pressure area is building up, she sees me, shivering in the freezing cold, though being from Haflong, my town, how she ever thought I was cold, is beyond me,, she sees me in tatters, blue, and three days later the Courier guy delivers a parcel that is half the size of my lodgings here, and from its depths appear a Red Jacket that served me very well last winter while I had to go to work, in the Tea Estate where I worked, at a God awful hour of the day,(my faithful readers who have been reading this drivel since the inception will know what I am talking of, and for the rest, go and read my Dec, Jan and Feb '08 posts),, and along with that were a blanket, another lighter black jacket, and a sweater..

Parents,!!! Mum conceived the whole plan and Dad carried it out, a good team they make,,Parents,,!! you just had to love them,, wasn't that sweet of them? It is a different matter that I have the jacket and other things neatly folded on my shelf, waiting for the next cyclone to hit, so that I can wear them.

Mum, Dad, you are the greatest, but then I guess they cannot help loving me, I am their son, after all.

PS. Got my tickets and am going HOME for 8 heavenly days, on the 9th. Can't wait to be home, in the cold. I love the winter and here every time you start thinking it is finally here,,,Gotcha! And it is sunny and muggy once again. God game it has got going here.

PPS. I was kidding about my readers being faithful, they are Heavenly. And patient and bored and kind and compassionate and dedicated to the cause of the mentally retarded, why else do they come here? ;) Love you all, I really do. There, I said it.

The Nightmares Continue,,,,,

2008-11-30T12:58:00.005+05:30

And then there was a silence punctuated by the keening wails of those mourning for their dead, there were tears, for the dead, of the dying and for those left behind, left alone to shoulder a life riddled with guilt and anger. The anger is not so much directed at those who did this, rather it is a kind of helpless rage at the fact that we are so vulnerable, so open to something so violent, so barbaric.

The Politicians go into damage control mode, proposals of a central body to tackle exactly this kind of mindless terror, although chalked out five years back, is yet to see realisation. Lobbies, parties and their self-serving policies never take into consideration the most vital part of this Nation, its teeming masses, ironic right? A democracy which is no longer for the people?

I am running out of words to say, even more ironical, It is time our leaders did something out of their skins,,please, we cannot be made to suffer your inadequacies, your impotence. We can no longer lay down our lives to pave the pathway of your political dreams.

We can no longer wait for you to save our lives, you suck at it.

Reams of print and hours of bytes cannot even begin to scratch the surface of what actually went on those few days, and neither can anyone start to define the extent of vulnerability and unpreparedness this situation found us in, I just hope next time around, God forbid, we are better prepared.

Sitting Ducks

2008-11-29T14:23:00.003+05:30

It is a gloomy, cloudy, misty day, full of intermittent rain and chilly. exactly the sort of day I would have revelled in were it not for the horrific events of the past three days, three full days, that is how long it has been since our vulnerability was thrown in our face, we were made aware of how at risk all our near and dear ones are, every day of the week, wherever you may be, whatever you may be doing. What has happened in Mumbai while being very shocking and terrible, is nothing new to any of us, the world as a whole has been targetted to increasing and ever novel episodes of terror wherein the perpetrators manage to catch us sleeping, every single time, without fail, and the worst part tis how delayed our responses are, we tend to go from a state of denial to slow acceptance and then try to figure out how to get things going,,by the time we roll, three days have gone by, hundreds lives lost and a valuable heritage desecrated.

How much is our defence budget made up of? I hardly think we are lagging behind as far as fund allocations and proposals go, when it comes to the actual procuring and buying of stuff, we are made aware of how inadequate our situation is when we see our brave troops go in to face a situation, say like the one that unfolded over these past few days, with Ancient, musket-type guns and then the NSGs are dropped off at the site of action by bus, like tourists on a field trip,, it is only through sheer bravery and grit, combined with the incomparable sacrifice of life and limb by some of the bravest sons of our country, that we are anywhere near to getting control over the situation. How ridiculously under prepared and underarmed we manage to look in comparison to the attackers, I really think our Defence Minister needs to get on the Net and skim through a few brochures for the latest arms or maybe he should set up a meeting with the terrorist who has been caught alive and get some contacts and visiting cards out of him,, put it all to good use so that next time around, it is a much more even match.

People are saying idiotic things that centre around a particular community and one of our neighbouring nations, Stupid thing to do rather than try and secure our homes and lives, we are trying to find scrape-goats,, how does it matter who they are? Terrorists have no face, no religion, no nationality, they are just perpetrators of death and doom, the only way to fight the threat is by improving our defence system, not only at our borders but at our houses, our lanes and our villages. This does not mean subjecting us all to body searches at every street corner and every street store, they are necessary but more importantly, we should have a central body, autonomous of course, in place whose sole purpose would be to take the correct decision, within minutes, the next time we face a threat, any kind of threat, and put it into action, even before the killers realise what retaliation they can expect. That is the only way we will be able to make our lives a little bit safer, a little more secure.

I take my hat off to the brave souls who helped save so many lives, including the staff at the Taj, and I also salute all of them because they have shown the courage to stand up and fight.

My heart goes out to all who have lost their lives and to all their families, it is they who have to live on, with all the pain.

I also sincerely hope our leaders think hard and long before coming out with any sort of soothing messages, and suggest that rather than waste time trying to play any blame games and waste too much time on post-mortems of what we went through, they sit down and think out strategies to make us stronger, safer.

A NATION BLEEDS

2008-11-27T14:22:00.004+05:30

Mumbai bleeds, yet again and so do we. We cry tears of blood, every time a dastardly act like this occurs. When do these tears stop? Where do they stop? Mumbai was made the target, yet again, of indiscriminate acts of mayhem and horror, and all that goes through my mind when I see the ghastly visuals and hear the stories of horror, is how unnecessary and seemingly meaningless all this is. Every time this occurs we get to hear of yet another new terror organisation, as if these acts of cowardly violence were some sort of macabre bill-board, on which they advertise their presence, and to what purpose? They are driven by Avarice, Greed and other Psychopathic tendencies, all this bull-shit about Ideologies is utter hogwash, even they know how hollow they sound when they claim themselves to be carrying out a direct decree from the Almighty, when they, along with everyone else know, for a fact that the Almighty is all about Forgiveness, Tolerance and Love. They are not the deluded fanatics they make themselves out to be, the only thing that drives them is greed and lust, lust for money, power and blood, sadistic tendencies that exist in all of us seem to be the most dominating character trait in these people.

Mumbai bleeds, it is the same wherever you cast your eyes, Assam is facing the same threats, on a daily basis, as is Kashmir, different names, different ways but all leading to death and disorder. I come from a small hill-town in Assam, where people left their houses unlocked when they went out, during my childhood days, there just was no need to bar your doors from anyone, there was no threat, now that same place sees at least a killing a day, and because we are far away from the Media eyes, my town bleeds too, albeit a little more silently, but the tears are the same everywhere, bloody and terrible.

The entire nation is being held to ransom by a group of petty people with petty dreams, but the price that we are paying is beyond measure, beyond compare.

At the end of all this I still cannot help but feel how entirely unnecessary this is, how can anything justify this horror? How can anyone see their own die in front of their eyes, in their arms,,and not know why this happened and who is to be blamed?

Mumbai bleeds, A Nation bleeds, we bleed.

Of Kings and Beggars,,

2008-11-27T10:27:00.002+05:30

For a change, I get to start the day exactly the way I want to, well maybe not completely exactly (?) because there was no milk in the fridge and I had to go get some, before I settled down in front of the TV with a cup of hot steaming tea, talk of life saving draughts.
As is my wont, I tend to skim the news channels first, and I kind of got stuck on NDTV 24/7 where they were following Jyotiraditya Scindia on his campaign trail in a programme called ‘Follow the Leader’, He is a strong bet for the ruling party, and their slogan states their desire to get closer to the “Aam Aadmi” the “common Man” to those uninitiated in our National Lingo, and after a while of watching him on his trail I couldn’t help feeling I was in an India a few centuries back, for here was a man who belonged to a princely family, hailed wherever he went as “Maharaj-ji”, who traveled along-with his own entourage, which included his family cook and an entire team of helpers, who followed him, in a Gypsy of their own, with all the materials and ingredients that go into making the favorite dishes of their King, just for the simple reason that he does not like food prepared by any one else, it has to be made the way his chef of 15 years does it,, and so the money that goes into his campaign sustains an entire kitchen on the move, among other similar ‘kingly’ whims I am sure. What a way to connect to the ‘Aam Aadmi’ was all that went through my mind when I saw this,, it was so much similar to the way you and I carry a lunch ‘Dabba’ to work, right?
I wonder how he is going to manage his election campaign account books, for I believe it is scrutinized by the EC, strictly at that,, he must be a genius with figures along with being a dashing young ‘King”,.
One more gem this morning, one of my friends’ brother, who is an inveterate egg-lover, devised a novel way towards cholesterol-control, eat ‘just two’ eggs instead of 'six', a day…Great way to go, right?, and we waste so much time on exercise and the right diet when it was so simple, all along. Way to go “Bhaiyya”.
PS. I am waiting for two more days before I get my return tickets because the petroleum ministry has announced sizable fuel price cuts, another Election first, in many ways,, so the Air-tickets have to get cheaper right?
Till next time, it is time for me to get my cape and hood ready, foe me to go and play Super-hero and save Lives.. God be with you.

Living Lies..

2008-11-25T08:13:00.002+05:30

“No first use Treaty” Sounds very much like something that two groups of warring neighborhood kids would sign, prior to say, a Cricket match,,
On the contrary, this was rather something said by Asif Ali Zardari, via Videoconferencing during the Leadership Summit held in India,, sounds like a pile of words right? That is exactly what it is,, a useless pile of words that does not mean anything. How can anything as mundane as accountability exist when nuclear weaponry is at stake? How can two Nations who are busy enhancing their Nuclear arsenal (just because they are extremely developmentally motivated, mind you) ,be trusted on this? Do they really think if things reach such a state so as to lead to a show of Nuclear strength, people would leave all other thoughts to investigate who threw the first stone, literally? Just think how such an investigation would ensue and how it would progress in two such countries where justice exists only if you are poor, unconnected and on the faulty side of affairs,, everybody else manages to get away with everything, even murder, so what is a little massacre here and there?
Let us think of some outside agency snooping around, investigating such a case, the only good that would do, is give rise to a whole new group of prejudices, a whole new era of mistrust and needless persecution of the thoroughly undeserving, like what happened post 9/11, and while all this happens, the people who are really guilty sit in their cozy rooms, munching on pop-corn perhaps, while enjoying a close, on-the-scene view of things, thanks to modern information technology and the ever hungry for ‘a-byte’ vampirish new breed of journalists, ,whose jobs seem to depend entirely on how much dirt and tears they can muck up, in comparison to the next channel. While all this unravels, India, whose image is taking a beating already, takes one more, below the belt.
We were a nation of snake-charmers and sadhus who have evolved into a people who roam around with bombs and IEDs under our cloaks casting furtive glances all around, bloody murder on our minds. High time we hire a good PR firm.
Coming back to my original peeve, how can anyone with even an ounce of grey-matter in their skulls, for one moment think that nuclear warfare can be put on hold with such a trivial piece of paper? Can people who are so busy tearing each other to shreds be depended upon to honour such a thing? Can two nations governed by Ex-crooks and criminals really depend on its so-called leaders to do any good? We as a voter have created a Frankenstein-ish being, in the form of our elected representatives. Now we can just wait and watch, the control is out of our hands, we have set the ball rolling, and matters can only go from bad to worse from here, while our leaders count their vote banks in glee and smirk behind genteel grey beards….
PS..To end this,, let me tell you that I was 'not-so-politely' informed, by this 27-28 year old techie-son of one of my patients, that his money pays my salary and that I have to ‘bloody well’ give him my time, whenever he asks for it. More on that in a subsequent post? I still am fuming.

Unwanted Glories !

2008-11-21T10:11:00.002+05:30

Back from another Graveyard shift,,Sitting down to write this to the back-ground score of the market update on CNN-IBN (?), and I see that none of the blogs I follow have been updated,,Hey Guys, wake up,,I am feeling extremely lonely here.

There was a comment on one of my recent posts asking why I hated my job, We doctors save lives, said she,,

What can I say? Some how going through her comment, I felt as if the world, or some part of it at least, sees Doctors as some sort of Super heroes,,We are not, super-heroish, I mean,,Being a doctor may be a matter of choice for some, or just a matter of fulfilling long cherished, unfulfilled dreams of their parents for some others..those they could not attain, themselves,,The day we join this supposedly hallowed vocation, we are somehow meant to leave back all traces of human desires and feeling behind us, akin to an Exile. We are meant to be kind, compassionate and gentle, while dealing with patients and their relatives,,but meant to overlook the facts that we have families too, those that look up to us, whose needs are supposed to be met by us, jobs we almost always fail miserably at because of financial restraints,,Finances play a very important part in every Doctors life, contrary to all the nobility associated with us, and the seemingly invaluable services we provide, to humanity, (not my words, I assure you) We are almost at the bottom-most rung of the pay-pyramid amongst all professionals. A graduation takes us six years, six back-breaking, gruelling years of mugging, swotting, toil and tolerating back-stabbing inter-class and inter-institute politics, and at the end of which we are paid far less than say what an Engineer is, or a Management grad is,,Fair? And we are supposed to love what we do?

All my social interactions are limited to people with various ailments and their families,,they are the only people I meet every day.. At the end of the week, you are longing for a conversation that does not deal with the mind-numbing details of these poor people and their ills,,At the end of a "normal" shift, you are so drained, exhausted, mentally and physically, that the only thing you want, desperately, is to crawl into bed and go to sleep, and the dreams that follow, on the days we have them, are filled with weird, scary images,,,,It is no wonder then that so many of us take to drinking as a matter of routine,,nothing else manages to take the edge off.

On the odd lucky day we do manage to get ourselves involved in some sort of a Social-do, there seem to be a horde of people who make a bee-line for you with all the collective ailments of an entire generation,,and you are reduced to a Virtual dust-bin...of sighs, aches and pains.

Bottom line, in-spite of all this we toil on, because we have to, no other choices,,,we are thwarted at every single step by that Power that decides what goes on in this world, that Power who plays us like pawns and we bend to His desires because we are meant to,,, no other choices,,,

Great life, that of a Doctor..I just wish I wasn't one, my parents have so many dreams and desires that need fulfilment, I so want the Tissot watch I saw the other day,,I so need some time-off (a comment which gets a look from my Boss, we do not ask for leaves,,but accept gratefully what is thrown to us,,), I so want to fall in love, get married to some one who isn't a part of this world of Microbes, test-tubes, beeps and monitors,,and I want to stop being seen as a Super-hero,..

PS. The high suicide rates among us Doctors seem to be saying something,,right?

PS..(No I donot Love you)

2008-11-17T15:30:00.003+05:30

PS...Most of my thoughts start like this, as if they were post scripts in the long-long monologues I hold with the only person who bothers to listen to me, at all,,,,,,,, well,,'monologue' pretty much gave the game away,,right? My best listener, spectator, audience all rolled into one has always been 'me', 'myself'',,no, Irene does not come into this..... Anyways, as Post-Scripts tend to go,,, they do not hold any continuity with my current thoughts, just arise at random and take the form of my next long talk, till another PS comes along,,that has been the way with me, for quite some time now,,another sign that the Loony-bin beckons, perhaps. I am so used to these one-way ramblings that I tend to get quite lost in them, people wave at me from across the road, and I plod along, a silly smile or a frown on my face, depending on what I am saying to myself,,,quite oblivious.Turning into quite the eccentric, I am, these days,,and for that matter, what an odd way of forming a sentence..
PS..,,Does anyone else find these innumerable 'commas' a little too tiresome?,,
PPS,,,Does anyone else get the origin of the bracketed phrase in the post title? Please

Dostana Roxx,( Sigh!!!!)

2008-11-16T14:27:00.002+05:30

This goes out to 'Dostana roxxxx' in my Orkut friends list, hope he reads this,,

I wish I was in Priyanka's shoes in Dostana,,,,Did I ask you to draw your own conclusions? Wicked people, I am surrounded with,,Surely you know that now I am gonna waste some of your time in explaining why I said this,,,,so let me be. Where was I? Yes, in Priyanka's shoes, btw, those Jimmy Choos could feed me for an entire year and sustain an entire Somali village for a week,,but I am rambling again,,I would have loved to be where P was in the movie, not because I would have had two Gorgeous specimens of Guy-hood live with me, imagine what that would have done to my already sagging self-esteem!!! Nor because I would have had THE perfect body and be surrounded by similarly endowed bods, just close your eyes and think Shilpa in the gold bikini,,,neither because I would have a gorgeous pad to live in, with an outdoor pool to boot,,,It wouldn't be for the fact that I would be paid 4 grand a month for 2 rooms, which translates into the salary I get paid by the end of 1 year of this God-Awful work that I do,,,It wouldn't be for the fact that I would be working for a magazine that would need me to look WOW, and go out gadding to Night-clubs and Auctions, in the name of work,,(Sigh, I have a night-shift in 2 hours time),,,,It most certainly would not be for the fact that my wardrobe would be hot, skimpy and cool at the same time,,,,,

It just would have been so good to have two friends who loved me so much,,two people who ended up putting me ahead of themselves, their ambitions and their lives,,friends who gave me great B'day surprises, who saw me out of every single scrape I got into, guys who would go to such lengths, just because they loved me, friends who would be there to wipe away my tears and my fears, friends who would give anythig to see me smile,,see me happy.. That is the one single thing I envy P.... Friendship,

Blue's my favourite color,,,

2008-11-16T09:37:00.003+05:30

There's a low pressure area around Vishakapattnam, and this has given Hyderabad an early taste of Winter chills an the form of Squalls, rains and cloudy, gloomy skies.

AM LOVING IT!!!! (That reminds me, I have to shop for winter wear,,)

Enough with the weather update,,A few days back I woke up to James Blunt crooning "you're beautiful' to me,,,nice way to start the day right? It was a call from my past, Yes, my cell was ringing, and that was my ring tone,,,,and an old friend from my days in Dibrugarh was on line. The call took me back to my time in AMC and it was a nice, nostalgic walk down that particular lane...Back to when I had an acid tongue:)

One of the blogs that I follow gave me a great idea, let me try and put down a few things about myself that might explain the paucity of pals in my life,,,shall we start?

1. I have an acid tongue,

2. Combine number 1 with an Inflammable temper,,that makes number 2 a hugely volatile item,,

3. I butt in where I am least wanted and dispense with my unwanted wisdom a little too freely,,

4. I am overly critical of all that i do

5. I have made my Obsessive Compulsiveness into a way of life,

6. Small things get me down, and I am too weak to shrug-off these depressive spells

7. I am selfish and think that the world should revolve around me, and only me..

8. Indecisive and tend to lose track of my targets way too soon and way too easily,,

9. After all that has happened, I still think that I have some control over my life, and that things will go the way I want them to,,

10. I am a sentimental b******

11. I cling on to certain things in life, and find it so very hard to move on,,

12. I talk way too much for one person,,my topics change course and content faster than our politicians change their ideologies.

13. i do not know when to stop,, I should have stopped writing this post right after the first five or six lines,,,,

Horrible Monday!

2008-11-10T10:37:00.003+05:30

I hate mondays.

Monday blues? No way, it is rather all the shades ranging from mauve to indigo including cerulean and all the in-batween shades, rather like an Asian paints shade card. add to that the fact that I have another night shift coming up and so I shall have to go through the unendurable torture of a shave,, sigh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Girls are so lucky, just armpits, leg and arm hair to deal with, all of which can be decently and deceptively covered up,, a method hardly likely to work in my case, unless I decide to wear a pot over my face,,maybe a ski-mask?

To add to all the agony is the fact that my laptop just refuses to open the page where I can recharge my DTH service, and I so wanted to watch the ongoing Test, it is the last day of the match wherein we are sure to give the Aussies the drubbing of their lives, plus it is the last time we get to see Sourav on the field. Come 5 pm and I shall have to sally forth, out of my room, to save humanity,,,,Boll****!! At best, I just try to deal with things as they come, all doctors do just that, and keep our fingers crossed that a patients recovery proceeds unhindered by any other complications,,,after all even the best efforts to try and foresee probable hurdles and prevent them, do leave a few loopholes, and I do have a 75 year old lady on my hands, who is, I believe on her last legs, and the family has to make some all important decisions, and I am supposed to help them make the right ones, while not seeming to do their thinking for them,,hardly a job I relish.

So, all in all, it has got all the makings of a great start to what promises to be an even more thrilling (!!) week than the last,,my my, ain't I just salivating at that thought.

(PS- Winter is slowly creeping up (yeah!!), but I am ill prepared to meet it 'coz I do not have my winter apparel ready,,what do you mean by asking what happened to last years' clothes,,? surely you do not want me to wear the same clothes 2 years in a row? )

Saturday Nite Blues,,,,

2008-11-08T20:13:00.002+05:30

It is barely 8.30, and I am already bored out of my skull, I guess I could study, but where is the point of adding more boredom than is absolutely necessary to the situation, right?

So,, I am bored. Guess I could go and watch the new Bond flick, but that would mean getting dressed and what an effort that would be, right now,.(by the way Danny boy's by far the best 007, my take.)

Guess I could watch something on TV,, no wait, the installation isn't done yet, these guys have found out I am from Assam and so are putting on an especially 'laahe-laahe' show for my benefit,, just so I do not get too home sick, serves me right for having said that on my blog, oh just maybe like a 1000 times only?

Guess I should order some take out? No, I cannot, the seams of my jeans are going to sue me for Inhuman torture, and I still have to burn those Banana chips I had for lunch..

Guess I should work on my book,,,but one smart-ass person from its pages just is refusing to behave the way I want him to,, so, that too is out, at least till he sees some sense,,.

Some music? But that would remind me that Indian Idol 4 is on today and I do not have my Tv in a ready to watch state..

Finish the book I am reading? Shit,,that would remind me I have other books that I should be reading,,ouch!!

Tidy my room? Again? There are maybe three new dust specks after my last spree, 2 hours back..

Go out for a walk? Don't want to change, and don't want to be caught out by my patients' attendants in my tracks,,it is bad enough that I dress like a mix between a Parisian grunge model and a colour blind cow to work, that reminds me, my Sir has run out of disgusted looks to bestow on my idea of work-place-couture.

Guess I better go to sleep,,Maybe I can finish counting backwards from 1 million tonight...

Wish me luck guys....

Common Bonds,,,,,,,

2008-11-08T10:55:00.005+05:30

I just noticed that a friend of mine, whose blog I follow, has been ultra busy over the past few hours, and once I am done with this, am going to settle down to some great reading.

I am a 3rd generation Assamese, and no matter where I go, Assam, her people and her language are never far from my mind. Hyderabad is a pretty long way removed from Assam, and does not feature on its usual migratory picture, people rather prefer Delhi or for that matter even Kolkata or Bangalore (please do not expect me to call it by its new name, lesser said of it the better) with regards to jobs or Education. So imagine my surprise, during my first days here, when I heard the Security personnel at our Hospital discuss the new Doctor, me, in typical Assamese, full of its inherent jargon, and you should have seen them react to my answers, a nice mix of Incredulity, Joy and Disbelief, followed by a little shame at being caught out. A piece of homeland, here!!

I am turning into a regular Agony aunt (!) for them, and find myself addressing odd problems at times, from an erring Fiancee' to a good-for-nothing brother at home who wants a Bike, the problems are varied, and their solutions have to be wel thought out and practical. Tough call.

I am even subjected to conspiratorial winks when they see me overhear discussions of a particular nurses' plus points (trying to put it politely here, I guess you know what I mean). The whole lot of them are young, away from home and in a land where they have to stick together, because of the bond they share.

Wherever I went, wherever I saw security, my ears perked on their own, and I was seldom disappointed. I am so much at home here. I am sure to hear at least a couple of swear words every day,especially a particular one starting with 'K', that translates into a certain wholesome fruit, in Hindi. There are brothers who are trying to get their younger siblings to follow them here, friends arguing over the merits of a job here versus a job back home, fellows bemoaning the increasing demands for money from back home,,,,,many such conversations float into my ears every day, private conversations, I know, but the speakers would not begrudge me overhearing them, because I was one of them, sharing a common unifying bond, that of a same land, a same language, a same longing, to return,,,,return Home.

PS. I am still awaiting the Tata-Sky people who were supposed to install my new DTH, yesterday, so that I could watch Sourav play his last Test,,guess my wait is going to last longer,,Laahe-Laahe anyone?

A Vacuum

2008-11-05T18:53:00.002+05:30

In any conventional race, there are some people whose sole aim is to ace it, lead by such a large margin, there is never ever the scare of being overtaken.
There are some who do all they can to upset the plans of the others in the race,
and then there is a large chunk of participants who try hard to push on ahead, if not to the very top of the line, at least ahead of the guy just in front.
Then there are those, like me, who luxuriate in the thought that the race, any race for that matter, is just beyond them.
I , just like every single inhabitant of this planet of ours, am in a race too, and this race does not give you the option of pulling out midway, whether you like it or not, run you must, till the last lap rolls along and the chequered flag comes in sight. All one can do, is plod along. In every race, there will be winners and there will be those who are awarded the consolation prizes, provided they pick themselves up, every single time, and keep running.
This is one race I did not ask to join in, nor am I playing for a prize that I really have my heart set on, I had no choice in the matter, had no say in it, I was pushed in, and asked to run,,,,,,,I am.
But it has become tougher to keep on picking myself up, every time I falter, stumble or just tire , I am scared that I shall not find the courage, the strength, to pick myself up, next time I falter.
I am afraid I shall be the one who stops midway, and just gives up.
I am afraid that I shall lose out on even the Consolation prizes, in this race.

Random 'Rabid' Ravings,,,

2008-11-02T17:46:00.004+05:30

I am down, in the dumps.
Anyone who goes, sorry, has to go to the movies by himself/herself is a loser, much like the loners on Prom nights or Friday nights, concepts no longer foreign to us, thanks to our new-found Americanised way of living, something that we have emulated and then implemented better than the Americans themselves, we always were a nation of quick learners.
Anyways I went to watch the new 'X-Files' movie. I never understood why that series did not get a longer run.
I came out feeling terrible, no the movie isn't to blame at all, let me just call it a male version of Bridget Jones'ism that takes over, from time to time.
No cures in sight, as yet.
I come back feeling lower that a rats' belly, and in order to feel good about myself, I go through the one and only testimonial I received, on a Social networking site, and it seems to have worked, I do not feel the urge to drown myself in a plate of fries, for the moment.
There is a girl, barely into her teens, who is dying of a terminal lung malignancy, and there is nothing that we can do, because the parents are just about coming to terms with the supposed inevitability of the whole situation, and even though there may be a place for a little bit of patience in all this, she may just make it through this time, to fight another day, but the overall outcome is not a very hopeful one, and any effort is just going to end up with the parents hoping and praying for a miracle. On top of everything else is the cost factor, mounting on every day and which are bound to be exorbitant, by the end of it all, no matter which way this particular match swings
Hardly an ideal situation, from any point of view. reminds me of the old joke about how LIFE was a Black man's left ass, never fair....
Shit...!

Dada, All The Best..You always shall reign in our hearts..

2008-10-29T10:47:00.003+05:30

Another Test match starts today, a test in every sense of the word, India-Australia clashes, or to use a more politically correct term, 'meets' are fraught with the kind of emotions we used to find with India-Pak encounters or The Ashes maybe, including the latters' mudslinging, mind-games and war of words,,the print media taking sides and going all out, no holds barred too. I am at my hostel room, far away from a Television set ,to participate in any of this, but am still rooting for my team.

Furthermore I am praying fervently for the 'oldies' in the team, who have so much to prove, unthinkable after all they have given to our cricket, I know, but that is just the way we are, or I should say, a 'select' few of us are. Early Alzheimer's setting in I guess. Among the Seniors is the one man who gave Indian Cricket its present face. Previously we were renowned as being the capitulators of the game, quick to give in at the knees, adept at looking the other way, turning the proverbial other cheek, always managing, by dint of sheer hard work, to snatch defeat from the jaws of Victory, till this Captain came along.

He was given the Cap by default, but what a turn around for our cricket that became..

The rest is history, they say, but for us who overlook history so very blithely, we need to recall them. We became gritty, starting to turn around and show our teeth, rather than walk-away, we started initiating mind-games, making a Hoity-Toity Captain wait at a toss, matching pert remarks with smart ones. Defensive playing was at an end, we started to think we could win, and we did. Youngsters came into the team, selection meets did not end until the Captain saw to it that he had exactly those he wanted in the team, nervous debuts were converted into man-of-the-match awards, T-shirts were waved from the balcony of Staid cricketing grounds, Overseas umpires in certain countries now couldn't just, on a whim, give any of our batsman ,the dreaded finger, there was someone who would raise a questioning voice, stand up chest to chest and question. This Captain was called 'The Bad Boy' of cricket, and he ended up with a lot less that he actually earned, because the rest of the money saw their way back into the ICC coffers, as fines. He made the team gel into a unit, made every member stand up for the other, if the occasion arose. He made the rest of the world, who always took us to be a Nation with one or two Individual talents, see us as a team who could give the rest a run for their money, and make a claim for the world cup. He made me proud to see us on the field, filled with confidence, raring to go, fighting tooth and nail, every single time, he made me stand up and applaud my team, and him along with it. He turned us into a Nation of fighters, and today I pray that his swan song is one which is heard loud and clear, I want him to go out with a bang, holding his head high, full of the pride he instilled in us.

For he is and always will be, India's most successful Captain Ever.

Happy Diwali, Guys!!!

2008-10-28T11:12:00.003+05:30

I did not have much to write about for quite some time,,,,
And I am also losing hair, faster than a mouldy old Persian carpet,, Anyways, It is that time of the year again, when starbursts fill the night sky, fairy lights twinkle where ever you turn and the poor animals cower, indoors and out of doors, anticipating the early restoration of peace, much like Mumbai is,,,right now..
I like to watch the night sky lit up by the fireworks even though I am aware of the kind of exploitation that goes into their making, right from the countless children who literally burn themselves, year after year, to bring this glorious spectacle to us, to the kind of plight the animals and many people too are reduced to, by the explosive sounds,,,I had pets, I really know!!
Conflicting Emotions again?
Story of my life,,,
I was standing by the water cooler cum purifier that stands in the veranda of my hostel, and which according to me is THE saving grace of the place, last night, when I saw, in the distance, above the twinkling night-lights of Hyderabad,,that lay down like a carpet below my eyes,,what I thought was a cracker of the kind that goes up, up, up and finally turns to a majestic display of Stardust,,but it just kept rising,,and rising,,,,it also kept coming nearer,,before I panicked into thinking that the terrorists (again, sic!!) are finally targeting our Hostel,,I saw it turn into an aeroplane, emit a drone,,and fly away, above my hostel roof, towards destinations unknown,,Or was it the 8 pm to Kolkata? Anyways,,,Gullible took on new meaning for me...
Diwalis of my childhood,, how I long for those days,...
Hope that this festival of lights manages to illuminate all our lives,,filling up those dark corners with joy and above all,,HOPE!!!
Have an Eco-Friendly time please, Guys..

Autumn Blues

2008-10-03T14:46:00.004+05:30

Dusky twilight, made more fragrant by the smoky whiff of burning leaves, you could detect the tang of pine needles in the smoke, the evening air is laden with ,the almost imperceptible chill of the fast approaching winter,, the long walks home from school were made even more pleasant by the company of dear friends, our conversations and our silences, albeit few and far between, were full of the compatibility of that age.
In my town, dusk came early, the sun slipping behind and below the encircling hills before the day got adjusted to its bedtime, you could see the faraway hills, dotted with their collection of homes, gradually start to blink and twinkle as each household light came on.
We would try and draw out the last moments before each of us reached home, mine was sort of midways, and every single day, as the gate clanged shut behind me, last jokes and plans for the morrow got shouted over the hedge that lined our boundary, cut in a series of waves by Dad, and I remember always feeling a pang of envy (?) over the last lap of the trip that I never got to participate in.
Home, the last clamor of the insects reverberating in the approaching silence, before they too gave way to the silent night-life. Cozying up together over the evening cups of tea, catching up on each others day, Mum and me being the major contributors to this, Dad was always more the listener, poor,sweet-thing, I guess he never had much to say, when we were around, and he loved to be the listener. The last few days before Durga Puja were filled with anticipation, plans and a sense of joy, at the approaching good times, but I always recall my joy was tempered by the realization that all this would be over even before it started, a matter of just 4 days a year, this somehow made my Holidays less of a joy than they really could have been, and in the process I ended losing out on a lot.
I wish, now, that I had those days back with me, again, to ensure that I lived them properly, giving every moment its due share of joy, its own share of happiness, perhaps the regrets of so many undone things wouldn’t haunt me so, then..
I see now that no one is assured of the number of years that he or she gets, in this world, and I want to be able to spend time with my parents, before it is too late, to try and tell them how much I love spending time with them, because I always assumed that they knew, that they understood, and even if they do, it is always better not to leave such things to chance.
I am planning to go home, in late October, hopefully the finances will be in place by then, and Autumn at home, even for a short while, sounds Heavenly.

Prime Numbers,,,

2008-09-25T16:56:00.004+05:30

" I think Prime numbers are like life, they are very logical but you can never figure out all the rules, even if you spent all your time thinking about them,," So runs a paragraph from the book I am reading right now, -Mark Haddon's ,'The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night Time', and since I read the lines an hour back, I have been thinking of very little else, we go through every single day of our lives, pretending to be well-planned, orderly and love to labour under the illusion that Life is exactly what we want it to be, how foolish we really are!

We all like a certain amount of order, predictability and planning in our lives, it is a different matter that for some of us, present company included, it takes a slightly more pathological form, and for all of us, all that we do, from morning till night, is in accordance with this plan, but in-spite of all our best efforts, life is as unpredictable as always, dealing us exactly the hand IT wants, and pretty soon we are left trying just to salvage the game, all thoughts of our 'master plan' long gone from our minds.

Life is like a set of Prime Numbers,with its own set of perfect rules, but never quite fully comprehensible, and the list never quite complete,,,,,,,,,

On being poor,,

2008-09-22T14:59:00.004+05:30

I want to go home, for Puja. I can go into raptures about the ensuing Sharod-otsav and what it means to me, a Bengali,,suffice to say, I can smell the season in the air, and I long to go home,,,,,,

I do not think I shall be able to, why? Because flight tickets costs are above the roof,( sob-sob), and before I am labelled a snob for thinking of flying home rather than enjoying a leisurely journey in the common man's savari, I would like to clarify by saying that I am neither a snob, nor am I loaded with cash, it is just that the leave alloted to me is of 10 days, so going home, by train, and returning back on time, is out of the question, unless,,,,unless I call my parents, ask them to meet up with me in the Railway Station, and not even bother stepping down from the train, Lovely idea?

I hate being poor, I hate not having the hard moolah, that would have enabled me to be home in the Festive season.

Darn, double darn,,,,,,

Pride

2008-09-19T21:58:00.002+05:30

i know this topic is "Passe" but still I cannot help wonder, does any one's heart still trill and the mind sing at the call of the bugle, to the strains of the 'Jana Gana Mana'?

This topic is hardly open for an everyday discussion but it is just that I have been reading a book based in the 1900s, set during WW2, and this has made me dwell on the subject of Nationality, Pride in ones country and what belonging to a Nation, any Nation, means to us, if it does mean anything at all,

Throughout my childhood days, early in the wee hours of days like the 15th of Aug, and the 26th of Jan, I woke up to the mellifluous Lata Mangeshkar, via the public address system, sounding like a soulful prayer, singing compositions of patriotism, penned by immortals, the lyrics of those songs still etched firmly in memory. I also remember standing, squinting against the sun, in starched uniforms, in rows, erect, proud, the Tricolor flapping in the breeze, waiting for the public march-past that always was a part of these celebrations, to begin.

I have memories of the Kargil war, brought home to us, thanks to satellite TV, in a real, and somewhat surreal manner, those clothes and fund collecting drives,long treks with sometimes very little but our soothed National pride, to show, at the end of a very long day,,,all a part of trying to belong, to be a part of what was taking place so far away, on those hilly, snow-clad peaks and valleys.

I remember standing transfixed at the India Gate, looking at the names of those who died, martyrs, sacrificing their yesterdays for our todays,,and I refuse that it was just another day at the office for any of those brave souls.

I also believe, that night long ago, in 1947, there were countless unseen faces amidst the thronging, joyous crowds, their eyes filled with tears of success, countless mothers with laps emptied, widows with their budding dreams forever swathed in white, yet all with their heads held just that little bit higher, for it was on the ruins of their lives a Nation stood, new-born, full of possibilities, full of promise.

When Rehman and Lata came together to give us a refurbished 'Vande Mataram', ans Bala gave us the accompanying sweeping visuals, every rustic face in the video, seemed radiant with love for the country, good actors? I do not think so,,,

I was here for this years Independence day, and what a welcome change it was indeed, to see the Tricolor unfurling from every imaginable place, and a few unimaginable ones at that, cycle rickshaws and a few proud BMWs to, all sporting a different sized one, Assam seems to have forgotten the joys associated with the day, and this year gave new meaning to the day for me.

I remember my mom, a school teacher, always stopping and standing still, no matter where she happened to be, whenever she heard the National Anthem, and she heard it every morning, as their school used to sing it at the morning assembly, every day, so on the days she was late, she would hear it midway to school, and halting, would resume her journey once it was over, I also stand up to the Anthem, no matter where it happens to be played, and no matter what I happen to be doing at the time.not because I have to, but because I want to, makes me feel like I have done my tiny bit, for this country of ours which deserves much more, so much more.

JAI HIND.

(Please forgive the typos, I cannot edit this post.)

Have you?

2008-09-12T12:55:00.002+05:30

Have you ever stood out in the open, squinting against the sunshine, but at the same time, enjoying its warmth caressing you?
Have you ever huddled beneath the covers, in the dark nights, listening to a storm howling outside?
Have you ever looked into the eyes of a dog, your dog, and seen nothing but 100%, pure, raw unadulterated love?
Ever sat before a fire, on a cold evening, just chatting or listening quiet, to a conversation flowing around you?
Read a book in a corner, undisturbed, till it has grown too dark to see anymore, and you realize the afternoon has sped by?
Listened to a great song, an old favorite, and in spite of the smile hovering on your lips, you suddenly feel the sting of unshed tears, behind your lids?
Have you ever, for that matter sat outside, at dusk and watched the world around you settle down for the night?
Ever woken up early, very early in the morning, after a long spell of rains and found yourself staring at a freshly washed and laundered sky, aglow with the first rays of sunlight?
Have you smelt heaven in the fragrance carried on the wind, after the first showers? A mixture of wet grass, soaked earth and newly awakened hopes and desires?
Thought of a friend with whom you had a fight, aeons ago, and not been able to remember what the fight was all about, to begin with?
Have you ever seen into the eyes of the really old and seen the peace within?
Have you ever sat alone and listened to silence?
Ever taken a long tired breath after a job well done?
Eaten oranges, succulent, sitting with your back to the sun, a shawl around your shoulders, on chilly winter afternoons?
Your heart ever beat just that little bit faster when October rolls around and you hear, borne on the breeze, the faint sounds of the 'Dholkis', creating magic?
Have you ever. for that matter, almost dozed off, during a particularly nasty class, on a summer afternoon, listening to a cicada in the distance?
Waited for Christmas to come around, again, just so you could have your fill of multi-flavored cakes?
Have you ever read a line in a book, that you feel like going back and reading a few times more?
Ever taken out paper cartons, full of old birthday cards and missed, afresh, all the friends who were so close, once?
Gone through old pictures in albums yellow with age but the colors of the times, captured in those photos, still full of vibrant life?
Have you ever wondered why you somehow never seem to have the carefree, happy laugh you used to,?
Have you ever found yourself wishing, that given a second chance you would do certain things differently?
Got up in a hurry, late, and wished you hadn’t ignored the alarm yet again?
Have you found yourself wondering why we tend to cling on to the past? Why we never do let go?
Have you ever answered yourself, that maybe this is because we all know, for sure, the past is all we really have?..
Have you ever laid yourself to sleep, wanting with all your heart, just to go back home, and cried because you have found that you cannot?

Grey and Bleak Anatomy,,,,,

2008-09-08T10:47:00.004+05:30

Boy, I miss my Sunday night dates with the top slotted NBC show, "Greys' Anatomy". Anyways, I am back in my room, after an extra gruelling night shift, and with green goo on my face, am sitting down to write this, eyes stinging, mind you, but I better, since the afore mentioned 'goo' on my face needs a half-hour to dry out, and then only can I proceed to my bath, and then,,,,Sleep,,,,my pillow beckons,,.

Why the 'Goo'?,,I ask myself the same question, its not as if I am in a job which needs me to put on my best face, literally, in front of dozens of people that I meet, as a part of my job. Hardly, the only unlucky ones to have to forcibly share my company are the poor, poor Sisters, and of course my patients, and it is unlikely they will ever complain. In this aspect, Greys' Anatomy is so far removed from what lives we, or at least I lead, glamour doesn't even make an annual-festival-like entry into the scheme of things, whereas the cast of Greys' Anatomy are so well turned out, always, even when they are on so called hectic 24 hour shifts, their hair, make-up carefully done so as to convey the entire gamut of nobility and stress our jobs are supposed to entail,,Bollocks!!!

Then the lives they lead, Snogging each other, (thanx to J K Rowlings for the term, I love it), in aptly placed corners and broom cupboards, or sleeping with each other, when not making dramatic, life saving decisions or taking calls that could make or break families and careers,..Even the cafeteria food they have seems so much better than the 'upma-idli-sambar-dosa' mix and match combos on offer here. Then the clothes they wear on perfectly toned, buffed bodies, and they have the sheer gall to suggest that the Docs' in that blessed hospital even smell, let alone eat a Pizza!! Liars!!

Then they leave work to go back to these loft-like spacious, well co-ordinated apartments, and condos,,even the kitchenette looks much better, much more comfortable than the Fox-hole I come back to,,. To top it all is the all-year round, never ending Chic winter, you will have to agree with me on this, Winter IS the most glamorous season there is, you can go all out on your dresses, and Ensembles,,and then you look so much better, when you are coming in, huddled against the cold, the snow, hands deep n your pockets, bundled up, your face, in a tight close up, burdened with all the earthly problems of the multitudes,,.

We too go through these happenings, day in and day out, but not as beautifully or in as cozily chic a way as this. Our settings are far less pleasing to the eye, and our off duty, or for that matter even our on duty, off work hours, are so extremely not interesting, with un-buffed, over fed bodies in ill-fitting, ill-matched outfits,(dare I call them that?), hovering around you, there is so much solace in a book, its pages offering you better diversions,,so much easier to avoid a conversation, thus,,.Can you blame me?

How I wish I had the Address of that Glorious hospital in Television land, I could shift there for a residency,,THEN perhaps this 'Goo' that I have on my face would be put to some use,,,That reminds me, Yes! It is dry, I have got to go and take a bath,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

A wet love story,,,

2008-09-06T20:56:00.002+05:30

It's raining, again, the again being said with stars in my eyes and a huge smile on my face,,you cannot even begin to understand the depths of my love affair with the rains. I have nothing but pleasant memories of the rains, how can one not? staying at a hill station? You are lashed by rains, for days on end, the only sound audible for hours, if you stopped to listen, would be the pattering on the roofs, the swaying noises the tree-tops made, lissomely dancing in the rains. There were drains running over their brims, streams and small springs overflowing, swollen up to resemble small rivulets, crashing over smooth boulders,,following a crazy twisted course, en-route to the lakes and rivers that abound, aplenty...

I still remember coming back from school on rainy Saturdays, umbrella shut and packed in the bag, taking the long-long road home, laughing, (more of giggling for me), with equally demented friends, and I can recall seeing people who were avid lovers of fishing, sitting swathed in their rain-gear, beside the huuuuge lake that was like the centrepiece of our town, patiently awaiting that one bite, while the fish frolicked away to glory, in the rains, just out of reach of the frustrated men, my father one among them, many a week-end.

'Khichdi' at dinner-times, on such stormy, rainy nights, intermittently illuminated by the electric bulb, and the kerosene lamp, for the inclement weather also meant an erratic electric supply, which sometimes took whole weeks, after the rains stopped to finally get repaired,,,mummy had to just hear someone mention 'rains' before she got that 'khichdi' look in her eyes, and I would reflect it, because I loved it too,,,,ummmmmm, a steming plate-full with crisp fried potato fingers, omlettes and Papad, my father, poor guy, used to get this martyr-like look on those days, as he was not a very big fan of this dish, being more the 'chapatti for dinner' kind,,but who used to go along because he used to love mum, still does for that matter, more than his chappati,, sorry Dad,,secret's out.

Then the singing,,,, after dinner sit arounds, in the veranda, watching the rains, when I performed on request, old songs, shrieked out at full pitch, to be heard over the noise on the roof-tops,,and my singing, like the tea I made, back then, were palatable to just a handfull of people, those who loved me, of course..

This love for the rains stayed with me and even under circumstances, where this was severely tested, back in Dibrugarh, where five minutes of rains would mean overflowing drains, uprolled trouser legs, and scary nights filled with hourly reports on the river Brahmaputra's current level, for this was a town, where the water level was always 3 to 4 feet above our heads, seperated from us by a 5 feet high dike,,,

I love the rains, everything to do with it, and I really believe, this is one affair that is going to last,,,,and last,,,,,,,,,

Star Dust and Dream Worlds

2008-09-04T22:30:00.002+05:30

Magic, Fantasy (not the erotic kind, of course) and Dreams,,filled with Super-heroes, fantastical creatures and stories full of strife, struggle and tortured lives,,,all with one thing in common, the triumph of Good, the all prevailing message that is driven home by the end of all these Fables and tales.

But, why do we need them? Why do movies made on Spiderman, who is just another unhappy, 'different' kid, like you or me, well more like me than you in his geekiness, draw such a following? Well, just because he has the much lusted for power to set things right, at the end of what is, to him, just another day at the office. Yes, and maybe also because the fact that he would be as much of a loser, as the kid on the back benches, back at school, if it were not for those awesome powers he had. He goes through life smirking silently at those who think he's just another loser, many of whom, ironically enough , are saved by him from countless scruples, they get themselves into,,the girl whom every guy lusts for, salivates at his mere thought,,what more could he want,? at the end of the day, brushing his teeth, before going to bed, for I am sure even Super-heroes need to do that.

Super-heroes, Dragons, magic and Magical worlds are a way for us to fight things that would otherwise be much too overwhelming for us, a move to a new town, yet another 'F' at the Maths Test, Unsightly braces, a crop of Zits spouting up all over the face, just when you want to look your best for some all too important occasion,,at all those times when we feel ready to give up, and I have'nt written some of the more serious, and perhaps more genuine troubles here, intending to keep this post light, and not seem like yet another page from the Twilight Zone, an area all-too familiar with me and people who know me,,by the way, 'all too' seems to be all over the page;)

If not for these wonderful worlds and people, hovering in the land between the impossible and the 'could it happen?', life and its inherent pains would prove to be unlivable. Harry lets us escape into realms where the probabilities and possibilities are endless, Eragon lets us fight a myriad of evils, Hanuman leaps over, literally, all that stands in his way, The Borrowers make even the loneliest among us, never be really alone,,Spidey and Supey meanwhile take on the more global issues, making all of us safe, making all of us believe, every trouble, every gloom is transient,, and there is always someone very much like us, ordinary, from among our midst, maybe me or you,(ok, more you than me), who would put on a cape, or with the swish of a wand, a few choice magic spells thrown in, or riding on a fire-breathing, jewel-hued dragon,,,make things just perfect,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Look, a falling star, let me make a wish, then perhaps when I wake up tomorrow, I will find myself sitting at the Gryffindor table, eating breakfast, a non-fattening one,,laughing at a joke my best fried Harry, not Hari made,,,,,;)

Meandering Thoughts

2008-09-03T22:35:00.003+05:30

Cerulean blue, The colour of potted Forget-me-nots, Periwinkle,,,,,,,these are the words I would have used to describe the colour of the sky, today,,but since I am not gifted with such literary genius, I shall simply go ahead and say that what I saw today was a "September sky",,,There were white fluffy, mischievous clouds scudding to and fro, revelling in the day's beauty, nostalgia caught up, swept me away, back to similar skies in the past. The wind had a smell of festivities on it. Standing on my Hostel balcony, the wind seemed to whisper promises of joyful times ahead,.There are strains of old, old Hindi film hits wafting out of closed doors on my floor, I can hear the chink of glasses as friendly gossip provided the perfect company to a few rounds of even friendlier drinks,,,,Surely you cannot have lyrics to beat these,,Kishore Kumar simply ROCKED,,still does.

This is an utterly pointless and aimless post, I know,,but this is just the way I feel today,,aimlessly and pointlessly happy, nostalgic, a little bit Home-sick and a little bit anguished over the fact that I donot have anyone to share these moments with...

A goodbye,,,,

2008-08-31T20:38:00.003+05:30

This one is for you, brave lady, and for you ,her son.

I am going to miss saying 'Hi' to you walking into the ICU, I am going to miss you waving at me, unable to speak but acknowledging, all the same,,after all we knew each other for what would have been two months, come 7th of September,,but you decided to bow out of the tussle, the fight had raged on for so long,,,how befitting or should I say ironical it was indeed, I who received you into what became your last resting place, on one of my night shifts,, had to sit and complete the formalities of your passing,,.

I am going to repeat what I said to your son, as I handed him the envelope with the final documents,,that I was sure you knew what he had done for you, in spite of not knowing where the bills would be paid from, and also that I would wish my children do the same for me, if such an event comes by in my life,,,,, I admire the way you always smiled, even when your state reduced us to hapless, frowning spectators, I remember how you held that piece of Chocolate between your lips, a few days back, when your son bought you a slab of chocolate, on what would be his last Birthday that you were around for.

God grant your soul all peace, and when my time comes, may He grant me half the strength you showed, during your long struggle,.In death you showed me what life was all about.

Thanks dear lady, it was a pleasure and an honour, knowing you.

Woes

2008-08-29T21:05:00.003+05:30

I wish I were a girl,,,,,Before any of you rush around looking for Freud's cell number, let me finish,, after that you can have me committed, for all I care. If this post is accidentally ('coz people do not usually read my trash!!) read by any hard core feminist, they are going to contemplate running after me with tar and brush..

Anyways, to get back on track, I really wish I were a girl, because girls really have it made. All through life guys subject themselves to various forms of torture, sometimes in the name of Education and at other times, in the name of fashion or in order to look cool, just so at the end of 30 years of gross misery, they are considered a safe enough bet and are made to shoulder responsibilities that cling on like an unsatieted vampire, letting go only after the death throes of the afore said male dislodges them, Girls on the other hand just have to look pretty, and now-a-days, talk smart, listen well and nod at the appropriate times,,all the time dissecting what every other female in the vicinity is wearing, or in their minds, roaming the aisles of the nearby Mall, where there is this "simply killing" sale going on,,,,They have MEN to look after them, for ever, once the bait is firmly held between the hormonally ravaged males' teeth,, and who are ready to play Sir Galahad, at the slightest hint of tears in their lady's cosmetically enhanced eyes, to whip out their coats and tide them over the pool of muddy sorrow troubling them,, at the moment..

Girls have it so easy,, never a thought of mortgages, loans, Anniversaries forgotten, and penance due,,knowing all the while that there is someone out there looking out for them, ready to forgo kingdoms, or betray their closest buddies, with hardly a pause to think,,ready with their arrows aimed at improbable golden deer, willing to face a marauding army or a roomful of giggling glances, waiting outside the trial room of a clothing store,,murmuring compliments, each more heartfelt than the previous,,,,all for an approving smile, a grateful touch,,,,,,I tell you Girls have it made...

I am totally for their using their so called feminine wiles and charms to get what they want,, it would be sheer foolishness indeed to waste such potent weapons,,,and when the targets are there jostling each other, chests bared, to be first in line, why not?

I tell you, I would love to be a girl.!!

Wednesday Blues?

2008-08-27T12:55:00.004+05:30

To start something and leave it undone, incomplete while I zero in on some other far away thought, that's me. I think this is just a small aspect of the utter chaos that seems to reign in my brain, all the time.I have to count sheep to fall asleep but then find myself wondering about vegetarianism and animal rights. I go to watch a movie and find myself sobbing my eyes and heart out, much to the utter embarrassment of my companion of the moment, (did that sound Gigolo-ish?, I assure you, all's above-board and pristine,,,up till now), I sit down to an after movie dinner and start thinking of my increasing waist-line (so what if it is increasing at the rate of a Nano meter a month?) , I am doomed, to be one of those kill-joy old Bachelor uncles, who know just the exact thing to say, at any given moment, in order to shroud all happy things in a pall of gloom and despondency,,,try as I may, I never seem to be able to hold a smile, on my face for too long,, you can imagine what a horror I must look like, to those around me.

And before any-one diagnoses a nervous break-down, let me clarify,, this isn't a new occurrence for me, for as long as I can remember, I have been this way,,too wrapped-up in the unpredictability of the future, over which none of us have any control or say, what-so-ever,to try and absorb the joys of today,,. Sick? I know.

Rains,,,,,

2008-08-07T12:09:00.002+05:30

Whatever misconceptions I had of being a great writer, have been washed away with the monsoons,,,, yes!!! The rains are finally here,, I could almost close my eyes and imagine being in Assam. Getting back to my original topic, the traffic through my blogs pages has been so heavy, the sloths, snails and tortoises are finding it tough going,,,

The rains are finally here, Hyderabad is looking like a new place, altogether.. Rains are a major trigger to nostalgia, I keep remembering the rains in my home-town, it used to go on for days on end, the water falling from the roofs, making deep holes in the ground below, the smell of wet earth,,,,leaves, freshly washed and green, people scuttling from place to place,, huddled under umbrellas, rain-gear on,,fires burning inside every house-hold, partly to ward off the chills, and partly to keep all the washing dry,, fritters and roasted corn cobs, by the fire-side, watching soaps and movies on cable,,,,calling up friends, on the landline....chatting for hours, until one of mum's scowls finally penetrates, and cuts them short...going for classes, in the rain, three people under a single umbrella, each one ending up, more soaked than dry,,,

I could go on and on,,,Rains always seem to improve my moods, and make me less grumpy a person,, I have never been one for sunny boring days, where there is simply no mystery,,cloud filled rainy days are full of the unexpected, the pregnant clouds looking to empty their loads, and you seeking to stay a step ahead,, I love this time of the year, and now that I know Hyderabad too has rains, like this, I love this place even more,,,

PS. I have started work on my book,,,it starts on a pavement in Hyderabad, one rainy evening,,,,

ICU Hangovers and Beyond,,,

2008-07-10T15:29:00.005+05:30

I have completed a hellish shift, am still 'zombi-ing' around without sleep, so this surely isn't going to be one of those flippant, meaning-to-be-humorous posts,,,,consider this fair warning,,

Actually my mood is pretty blue (hmmmmmm, has it ever been any other way besides blue?),,and this is partly because I have been reading 'The grapes of Wrath'. I loved the book, and while I can't help but stand open mouthed, in awe of J. Steinbeck's mastery over the letters of the Alphabet, and how he uses them to weave a spell of misery over the readers, at the end of which you can't but appreciate all the pleasures you really have been alloted, by the Almighty, in the midst of all the chaos,,,,I sure am not going to pick this book up again, in a hurry. I am going to read a piece of fluff next, and the proud privilege of getting to be a soothsayer to me, goes to,,, "Sue Townsend's Adrian Mole and the Weapons of Mass Destruction",, my next read in what is a series of books that are written to appear like the diary of a boy,, from his childhood through his adolescence,, to when he grows up, over a number of books.

I never pick my books as per the Bestseller list,, so there!!!!

It is strange how I am constantly buying books, assimilating a library, when I do not even have a permanent roof over my head, and am practically living off suitcases, like a vagrant-migrant... The only place I can ever call home being too far away,, and there was a roof-high shelf in that home of mine, in my bedroom, where lie the other books I have, awaiting my return,,,to a place where I really feel rested,,at peace.

(a piece of heaven,home)

After this,,I move on to,, 'Eldest' book 2 in the Eragon saga. The third book is releasing in Sept '08,, and you can go to http://alaegesia.com/, for all the details and a peek into this fascinating world.

If anyone does manage to make sense of what I wrote here,, Hats' off!!!

ICU Nites

2008-07-08T18:36:00.002+05:30

I am back in my dreary matchbox of a room, after yet another night in the ICU, and all in all it was a pretty uneventful one, which means that I didn't have people dying all over me,, but this complacency was somewhat shaken by a patient choosing the last few moments of my shift to go into a transient hypotensive state, which, thankfully was quickly averted,,,Whew!!

So, here I am, with nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs, and since I never could get myself enrolled into the elite clique of thumb-twiddlers, I thought why not regale my meagre readership with yet another mad, Illogical and warped but entirely original, episode of what goes on in my head,,,

Tomorrow, come evening and I shall be headed off to yet another night of boundless joys at the ICU, and this, I know, will be preceded by an hour of agonising deliberations on what to wear,, which will finally leave me as nondescript as always,,and after reaching there I proceed to take a 'hand-over' from my colleague of the previous shift,,I have the quintessential black-tubed, aluminium laced, talisman cum ID dangling from my neck, and before anyone starts wondering at the seemingly STAR-TREK inspired dress code here, let me clarify, I was talking of the Stethoscope,, the wonderful tools we Doctors have which allows us to listen to your every heart beat, at the same time taking us farther and farther away from all emotions linked to it, leaving us like, unfeeling data banks, with pre-programmed auto-responses to any given situation. When I use the word " Talisman" I do so with a reason, this is the thing that separates us from the so-called laymen, this is the tool that supposedly means that we have the answer to every query the family of those admitted here have,, and so also a solution to every problem, a way around every hurdle their patient faces on the way to a speedy recovery,,,If only that were true,, all of those who are placed in this unfortunate position will understand what it feels like to have eager, expectant eyes turned to you, bated breaths waiting to hear one sentence that could mean the end to all their troubles,,and all we do is stand there trying to figure out how best to put the harsh reality into words that would hurt the least,,,,,my vocabulary always goes on an uninformed break at times like this,,,,,We do not always act as harbingers of doom though,,, patients make steady progress, and we do update their families to the latest good-news,,I wish it could forever be just this way,,Just good news, positivity and hope,,,,,,,,,,,,,

You know what makes me go on? In spite of this caustic, cynical attitude? Hope,,

Hope, in the fact that if we work just that extra bit harder, look that little bit more closely into everything that is going on,,maybe,,,just maybe,,,,,,,
PS,,The rains are finally here, I shall now go back to reading my book-of-the-moment,, 'The grapes of Wrath',,,

What do I write of?

2008-07-07T12:26:00.003+05:30

I decided on a hair cut today, and after deliberating on all the salons in the area, I decide, as usual to go to the neighborhood 'bhaiyya' AGAIN,,,,, and on reaching there, I see that half of Hyderabad has had the same insanely brilliant idea, I end up squashed/squeezed in a room meant for 3 people to stay in at a time, with at least 10 other guys, and unluckily for me, the monsoon still seems to be playing truant,,,,more woes of the sweaty, smelly kind for me, who said life as a middle class doctor was going to be easy, right?
Anyways, after a scan of all the magazines lying around the place, almost all of them with pictures of heavily endowed, scantily clad females with various degrees and classes of 'come-hither' looks on their faces, on their covers,, I decide to make a call back to Assam, and during the ensuing conversation (which meant, me talking my guts out, and the other person waiting to slip in a sentence or two, whenever I came up for breath or paused to wet my throat), the person who, apart from being a good friend, was also one of the very few readers of my blog, suggested that I should do some writing commercially, for example write a novel,, collection of short stories, or that I should at least compile these jottings of mine and have them published,,,,,,,Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!
Was he serious? Who would bother to read something I wrote? For that matter, what do I write about? From my experience, people do not want to spend money to read whining stories of endless, bleak sufferings, unless you are someone who has suffered famously, and in the public eye, like Madam Nasreen,,so whoever wants to write commercially has to have a subject which is viable, in the marketing sense of the word,,, and I do not have any such theme in mind,, as yet!
But I really would like to ponder on it for a while, and see if I can do something about it,,,
Till next time,,,In serious search of 'something to write about',,,,,,,Ciao.

Hyderabad blues,,,

2008-07-05T11:45:00.003+05:30

There are basically two types of people in the world,, and before the 'Gay rights activists' come and break my doors down, I wasn't referring to the obvious and somewhat passe' division of the sexes,,I meant something else, let me explain myself,,(groans and sighs anyone?).There are some lucky individuals on the face of this earth who seem to sail through their lives with all the ease and buoyancy of a spore bearing tuft of fluff, released by summer plants, to float on, carried by the winds, not mindful of the direction they were taking,always managing to fulfil their goal of propagation, no matter where they end up,,,, and then there are some others, like me who try their best to control what they do and how they do it, and who are so introspective that everything that goes wrong around them, in some crazed way,, maybe could have been prevented from happening, if only they had done something differently,,,.Trust me, if there was to be a nuclear holocaust, and I were to survive, (a remote possibility, the survival part I mean, not the Holocaust) I would manage to find a way, however remote and impossible, to link myself to the occurrence, I go through life, and there are a few other unfortunate idiotic souls like myself, constantly checking back, always on the look out for slip-ups, not because of any outside accountability, mind you,, but just because my OCD (there it goes again), never permits me to take it easy. Even when I am watching a movie, like I was last night, (Love story 2050 is an utter waste of time, and the only reason I went and sat through it was because many people felt I resemble the hero,, poor fellow, he is never going to make it in Bollywood,,) I could only think of better seats that I could have booked, how untidy the people were making the floors, with all the littering, how everybody was engaged in unhealthy gorging of gross oily snacks,,,,and on and on and on,,,,,,,I mean none of the issues were earth shattering enough, or totally in my control, to make any difference, whatsoever,, but when did I ever stop to listen to any voice of reason?

This is just an example,,,,a few days ago, a patient is brought to the ICU during my last night-shift, who is already too far gone, after ten days of suffering, with more then a couple of organs dysfunctional, dies within the next few hours,, and I am left with a dozen questions of how perhaps I could have done something different, when I knew all too well that there was nothing more to be done humanly,,,this goes on and on and on,,,,,,,

A 10 year old is struck with a malignancy and I am left with a million Whys and What ifs,,it doesn't pay to be so emotional and unduly attached to all the patients I see, but how do I stop myself? It doesn't pay to try and right all the wrong in the Universe,, but try telling that to the stupid thing in my head, which is all out of control,,m and never stops to think,,,,,,try telling me that everything that is meant to happen, will happen, no matter what,, but do I listen?

The King of Cynics,,

2008-07-04T11:31:00.004+05:30

I have been told recently that I somehow manage to find something worthwhile and good, in whatever situation I maybe in, and here I was, priding myself in being a part of, if not THE most prestigious member of the 'cynics association',,,,Jokes apart, I have always thought of myself as being unduly worried and bothered about every minor niggling little thing around me, and have to make a real conscious effort to keep a smile on my face, at most times of the day,, that too because the ICU, as is an unwritten rule with every single ICU, where I work, is a cheerless place to begin with, and I do not want my countenance to cause any impedance of any sort in the recovery of the poor patients, who have enough woes of their own, without having to keep their eyes screwed up shut, too scared to lay eyes on my Medusa-like visage!
I cannot imagine what led the person to make a remark like that, but it set me thinking, what do people see when they see me?, if the sentence made any sense at all,,,
What do they feel when they talk of me? Does anyone ever really bother to look behind some one's face? Do I? Sometimes it really takes an effort to rise out of the gloom,to think of something nice, something other than what's bugging me at the moment,,,but I have become so used to being down in the dumps, mentally, I feel like I am slowly adapting to staying down there.
I really do not want to turn into this bitter old Scrooge of a person, and maybe this is the reason why I try to find something nice, pretty and good, in people, situations, and life as a whole,, if at all I do,, just to survive, to stop the bitterness from taking over completely,,so I smile,, and joke, and kid around,, and talk nineteen to the dozen,,,,,,,,,,,

Midnight Woes and worries..

2008-06-27T00:26:00.003+05:30

It's past 12 midnight, we are well into what some people call the witching hour, I am plugged into my favourite FM station and having aimlessly wandered through the maze called the Internet, I finally decide to try and put something down here, it has been long overdue. There has been a few things brewing in my mind, these past few days, I just haven't been able to catch hold of one particular thought, from where I could start unravelling my convoluted musings,It's true, at the best of times, with only happy, cheerful thoughts, I still have to assimilate my twisted mind into some sort of order before I myself start to understand what is really going on upstairs, and at times like these, when happy thoughts are a distant mirage, somewhat like the UPA and it's dreams of an unconditional support by the Left, on the Nuclear stand that our 'Not-So-Brave PM' has cornered himself and his party into,,,my brain truly attains the quality of a puzzle that would stump many a Sphinx,,, had they but existed today,,

Something is not quite right,, my OCD extends to such an extent that I can feel when things aren't going the way they are meant to, in my immediate vicinity, at home or in the lives of the few people I love, and who I guess, love me too.. My mother is having this chronic cough,, she has been, since quite a while, and now she has been experiencing a mildly painful redness in both her eyes,, I am scared,, of the fact that my Grand-ma died of Lung cancer,, and maybe I AM reading too much into this,, but I AM SCARED!!!! For us death isn't an unknown entity,, (by us, of course I mean Doctors,,) and yet we don't want to accept the human frailty that exists in our family, in the ones we love,, We want them to stay unscathed by age, time and disease.

Something is not quite right, I can feel it,, I can,,!

If only I also knew where, and how to put it right, as easily as I straighten a crooked bed-spread in my room, or rewrite an untidy drug-list on a patients bed-side ticket,,,I can't,, and this hurts,, so I do the only thing I can, given this situation,,I pray, to Him who gives us all our troubles, and also the strength to face, fight and if He deem it so, overcome them.

The fact that we are mere puppets never strikes one as strongly as in these moments of impotent helpless anxiety,, and we realise, all over again, how HUMAN we are,,

Perils in Hyderabad

2008-06-18T21:43:00.003+05:30

Reading is one of the most dangerous hobbies one could ever have!

I mean it, it's full of peril,,,,

I am not saying this simply because buying books, which as we all will agree, is the most important prelude to reading one,, has become so costly. It has left many with the environment friendly and hi-tech option of e-books, one concept I shall never condone,, the whole charm in reading books is enhanced manifold by seeing a favourite tome cozying up your book-shelf for years to come, and as to the joys of curling up with your read of the moment, in a quiet corner, or while commuting to and from work, or in the toilet, while pandering to the time consuming evils of constipation,,,sighhhhh!!! I could go on and on and on,,,,,!

I heard of the famous CROSSWORD'S Hyderabad version today, and found out where it was located, the next logical step was to go there and worship,,I ventured forth, flagged an auto, which was already full thus necessitating me sitting, perched on a single ass-cheek (thank God I am so petite, and I hope I never repeat this statement again), squashed between this exuberant, pimply-faced, barely out of his teens, driver,, who I am sure had a death wish,, or was high on something, and the door frame, clinging on for love of life,,when, to my mounting terror, after a few yards of travelling in this ungainly fashion, he proceeded to pick up a group of 5 more people,, adjusting them God knows how, then proceeding to careen through the busy 6' o clock traffic, making me screw up my eyes in fright, and wrinkle up my nose, for the tight squeeze also meant ripe, end-of-the-day smells emanating from my co-passengers,,and pray for this journey into hell to end.

Add to this the heart stoppingly loud thump of the current fave Telugu number, from the vehicles' disproportionately large and sturdy speakers,,and I only wished I had taken up some harmless hobby like Archery or Bomb-making,,,

Drenched in sweat, most of it not mine,,,i finally reached my destination, and proceeded to make my already meager bank-balance lighter by a thousand rupees, I came back to my room, thankfully in a crowded City bus,, richer by 3 books,,which were Catch 22, The life of Pi, and Conversations with God! Eclectic? That's me.

And now I proceed to the sumptuous task of reading one of them,, this is the part that justifies my perils and the expenses,,,,every time!!!

Evening out in the City of the Divine Biryani

2008-06-17T13:16:00.003+05:30

Gooey stuff in my hair, (read henna, not for grey coverage, mind you, just as a conditioner), trying to relax before my night shift, I find out another astonishing fact about myself (sic!!!) which is, that I cannot sleep in the daytime, not unless I am sick, and especially not, if I have an appointment or a plan for the evening,,,so what if evening's still on the other side of the horizon? The wonderous layers of my OCD never cease to amaze me.

Anyways, me and my friend saw 'The Happening' last night, and I donot agree with the shitty reviews the film has garnered, at least in the Indian press, it is a great watch, Mark Wahlberg is an absolute treat, the script's spooky, and as always, with M S's movies, just bordering on the realms of the 'what if' and 'could this really happen',,the cinematography and camera angles, along with the cello background scores, make it an even scarier film. Full-marks to the maker for another Bulls-Eye.

There is an 11 year old boy in the ICU, victim of someone else's rash driving, and he's battling it out for his life,, for all of you who come across this, and believe in prayers, please spare him a mention in yours,,I know it will make a difference.

I am wondering what to wear to work, so what if only the Machines see me,,???

Since when has that stopped me from TRYING to look good? The operative words are, 'trying to' mind you!! I really enjoy what I try to do here, so what if I am at the bottom of the pay-chain? At the end of the day, I just have to have enough to shop with!!

Such superficiality,, such materialistic tendencies,,, but there is a story behind that too,,,, I shall keep that for a later post.. Ciao.

Biryani in the Rains,,

2008-06-13T11:58:00.003+05:30

I am really starting to question my IQ level,, it is hovering around freezing point, I am sure. Give me two things to do, at a time, and you can absolutely count on me to botch one of them up, ROYALLY at that. Am I dumb or what?
The Troubleshooters from my new Beam Net connexion have just left, after sorting out what I thought were insurmountable hurdles towards a problem free connectivity, but what ultimately turned out to be a few twists and turns, here and there. You should have seen the look of sheer disgust on his face!!
Anyways, I am sitting in my COOP, preparing myself for another 24 hour shift from tomorrow, and it is quite pleasant here, for a change, the Monsoons are finally here, (at least that is what everyone is saying) and it is windy, cool and pleasant, my 'unmentionables' drying out on my "balcony" are finding it tough to keep themselves up, and safe,, I have to keep an eye on them, continuously,, so pardon the more than usual typos.
I got to enjoy a real dousing in a stray shower, while out shopping, the other day, and I loved it, that was followed by dinner and drinks at a fabulous place which serves the most amazing Indian cuisine, and I made it back to my room, close to midnight,, wonder why I don't do that more often,,, Oh yes, Got the answer, I am a lowly Doctor, not an IT ian, to be paid in six figures,,, sigh!!!!!!!!!!!! Triple sigh!!!!
We are a lovely bunch of people, we doctors, I mean, for peanuts we act like the dustbins of society, where everyone dumps their worries, and we imbibe them, invite them into all our conversations, all our waking moments,,!!!Sigh!
Baba, you were right, after all, I should not have bunked all my Maths classes in college.
To end, let me put down something I read today,,"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try and cheer somebody else up." Guess I should go do that.

Biryani Delights!!

2008-05-28T11:12:00.003+05:30

Hi there,,, Look at me, am behaving like an idiot once again, trying to address my readers,,(Hee Hee,,) Isn't that absolutely the funniest thing you ever came across?

When I know that the only readership I get is when a word in my post matches the random word search of a surfer who happens to be on line, and stumbles upon my post, like a person caught in the wrong place at a wrong time, (too many Terry Pratchett books for me,these days, i guess), anyways,, I am In Hyderabad,have joined a Post Grad course in what is possibly one of Asia's largest Hospitals, at least in terms of sheer size, Employee count, and Resources, and am enjoying every moment of my stay here.

I am posted in an ICU at present, and life here is constantly on the move, and is filled with the steady blip-blip of various monitors trying their best to keep up with the daunting task of staying in pace with His most fabulous creation, which, even at the worst of times, lying in an ICU bed, swathed in wires, hooked up to various contraptions, is still way above the best of machines. Such is His genius, and this is most keenly felt in places like this, where the mortality of us humans, is there for all to see,,,,,

Hyderabad is a lovely City, (say something new, damnit) the greenery here is simply amazing, and equally amazing are the people, who go out of their way to help you, once you manage to convey your needs to them, and once you have figured out that the gibberish the person in front of you is seemingly spouting, is actually English, with a unique Andhra twist, and is a joy to hear. Similar is the Hindi here, I absolutely am in love with what they do to this otherwise staid language, and all the "miyas" thrown in makes it even more spicy....The Malls here are great, so are the Movie theatres, don't I sound just like a farm boy out on his first City trip? I know,, but so what? I never claimed sophistication,,

nSo,, here is what I plan,, I am going to try for a broadband connexion, or something else,, till then, The Cyber Cafes are going to have to tolerate my Fervent key-banging, whenever I get the time to do so,, I am here to study, remember?

This is the first of my posts from this lovely city,, and my axious wait for Monsoon, shall be interspersed with more posts,, till then,, Ciao! Take care of yourselves,,and be good!

Farewell? For a while,,,

2008-04-28T16:18:00.002+05:30

I am in my OPD, patients are coming at a mere trickle, unlike the downpour outside, the weather is making the imminent farewell all the more harder.
Last night, I was busy packing up, I can never can make out what to take and what not to,, and always end up taking either more stuff than I ever can possibly use, or am reduced to walking the streets, naked,, not literally, of course.
I cried,,,
Did it have anything to do with the fact that I was also watching "The Lake House"? or is it due to the fact that I was reminded, once again, how unpredictable my life has become, of late.
Living my life out of a suitcase, is what I have been doing, never staying in a place long enough, to put down any roots, I looked at myself in the mirror, even I ha changed, in so many ways, both seen and unseen,. the tears came to my eyes, unstoppable, uninvited,,and swept me along, in a miserable wave of self-pity, and how I hated myself for this,,.
Even the songs I seemed to be playing these days were invariably sad songs, and how I wallowed in their melancholy lyrics, every song seemingly mirroring my own misery.
I fly out of here, on the 30th, and it may be a while before my next post,,, so, untill then, So-long...

I did it !

2008-04-25T21:24:00.004+05:30

I did it!
Donot ever let anyone tell you, it doesn't pay to speak your mind, especially when it concerns something you believe in. If your convictions are strong enough, and you are not afraid of telling the truth, just go ahead and do it. It pays, not immediately maybe, but someday, whatever you said, will count and someone, somewhere will be benefitted, because of something you had the courage to stand up for, I know, because I did stand by what I believed in, and told it just the way it was,, I saw the starting point of good things to come, today,, and I have to thank the senior, in whose office, I spent a hour and a half, speaking my mind, not stopping to even think what the outcome would be, or how he would react, just raving on, what I said, made him look bad too, but he decided to do the proper thing, came down to the Hospital today, and put things in motion, taking care to attend to almost every point I made, I felt so vindiated, so happy, the ball has been made to start rolling, now it will depend on the people I leave behind to see it to its finish.
I am glad I did not back down, glad I had the balls to say what I believed in, and stand by it, I am really glad.
It does pay to speak your mind, to stand up for and stand by what you believe in. it does, and donot ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

Do we love life?

2008-04-24T12:09:00.005+05:30

A smile,

Dew drops,

A kind gesture,

Childhood memories,,

A sympathetic 'i know',

A listening ear,

Children playing, laughing.

Puppies,

Cloudy skies,

Bird song,,,,,,,,,, And before you call for help, let me tell you, I am not playing Julie Andrews from, 'The sound of Music', one of my faves, a movie we were made to watch, on all school holidays, and one that i grew to love.

I just wanted to remind myself of some of the really simple, small things of life, that can afford so much peace and pleasure, if only we learn to appreciate them more. In 'Sophie's world', by Jostein Gaarder, the author says that we stop living because we make life into a habit, and stop feeling amazed by it, and by whatever happens in our lives, things are taken so much for granted, that we cease to see the real wonder our lives are, and like she again says, we appreciate life when we think of death, and we appreciate or think of death only when we realise we are alive,, it's a cycle and is meant to teach us of the ultimate inevitability, at the same time, inspire us to make more of what we have today, now.

if we take time to savour our lives, all the moments we have, the good and the bad we all will end up truly appreciating this blessing of being born, of been given a life,, and perhaps this will make us happier, for isn't this what we all want? To be happy? And yet we go chasing after the wrong things, to achieve that,,, when true happiness lies within all of us, we just have to look for it, or at times, let it find us, and just keep an open mind,,

Nothing in life is an absolute end,, because every so-called end heralds a new, better beginning and life truly is in the small everyday stuff, around us,,.

Now that everything has been said, I just have to start believing in it, myself,, For some wise person once said,, It is harder to practise than to preach:)

An after Dinner Treat, of Chocolate

2008-04-23T20:13:00.002+05:30

After an early dinner, of a cup of tea and two crackers, I settled down to watch a Movie I had wanted to watch, for quite a while.

" CHOCOLAT "

Like the gooey substance it was named after, the experience proved to be a sinfully rich, satisfying treat, with nothing of the guilt that a similar binge of the real stuff,( real chocolate, I mean.), would bring. It was one of the most simplistically stylised films I had ever seen and the visuals seemed to hold you right from the opening titles, The wind-blown, small town France feel gave you goose pimples, the melancholy that the geography of the supposed locales were meant to evoke were evident from the first few frames. Contrast that with shots of dark, sinful, smooth, lip-smacking chocolate being made and presented to the town people and to the audience, in a series of innovative window designs.

Julliete binoche as the mysterious wandering healer, whose chocolaterie is the front through which she supposedly makes magic, was simply outstanding, and Judi Dench, in the cameo as the free willed diabetic, shows us why she is one of the highest rated actors of the time. Alfred Molina as the Villain of the piece brings just the needed amount of ludicrousity to his act, at the same time maintaining the undercurrent of menace.

All the other characters perform with Elan, from the 'American rock loving' young priest to the old dog-lover secretly carrying a torch for a widow who's mourning the husband she lost over 20 years back.

The ensemble cast gives the movie a richness its name suggests, and midway through the film walks in Johnny Depp in a role where he once again makes us realise why Women all over the world swoon at his name, he strikes the right notes as the catalytic element, who gives things the little push required to roll towards the climax.

While outwardly the movie deals with the morals of a small town and how these change, for the better with the advent of a woman whose magical concoctions in the dark-sticky stuff, chocolate, gives the people a peep-hole into their hearts and awakens latent desires, strengths and values in them ,which in turn, helps them in overcoming their own demons and bring about a reform, even in the villainous Mayor, and the end is beautifully summed up by the young priests' Easter day sermon, where he says that the true essence of religion and goodness does not lie in what we condemn or give up but in what we tolerate, embrace and love,

A beautiful movie and a great message for those who want to find it, amidst the visual feast it provides.

Nonsense from me (what else?)

2008-04-22T18:53:00.004+05:30

Who reads this stuff?
Does anyone ever come here?
Look at all this?

If you ask me, the answer, in all honesty would be, I don't think so,, What else would you expect of a blog that proclaims to be the Ravings (ravings, mind you, is a word associated with severe mental degeneration, and that too Random,, which declares its non-conformist status) of an Individual with no claims to posterity or fame, I mean I would rather go to Paris Hilton's blog first, in a similar situation. (Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Should I go on? I mean the whole purpose in putting all these here, laying myself bare(hee hee:), is so that a few people, with nothing better to do perhaps, who have had their fill of all the porn sites, catering to the various tastes (raised eyebrows?), and are suffering from chronic Insomnia, should deign to come, read, fall-off to sleep and the next day, pass on the great news of this wonder drug for sleeplessness, (AdSense guys,hint,,hint), and then perhaps I will see the traffic through these back waters increase..

Then again, maybe it is good that so few people actually read this blog, I really wouldn't want anyone to be shocked speechless by the sheer stupidity in these pages,, I mean we are supposed to have evolved into intelligent beings, right? Why destroy that Illusion?

So, I continue this labour of love, for myself,, It is just a way of shedding the nonsense that always seems to float in my head, and get some semblance of order to the chaos, that is my Brain..

A sudden Visitor, on a quiet afternoon

2008-04-21T23:13:00.005+05:30

I could start with Sinuous, Sleek, sexy, Svelte and go on to the more creepier adjectives like Slippery and Slimy, but whatever word I used wouldn't suffice in doing justice to the amazing visitor who dropped in, at my Bungalow, this afternoon, I had gone to my vegetable garden, intending to get some fresh Coriander for a salad I was making for lunch,(as I said,I am on a diet), and there it was,,, just fresh off a meal, I guess, judging from its sluggishness,,hanging half out of a hole it was attempting to enter. It was an awesome, majestic- "61/2 foot" long snake, wider than my wrist, with a frog in its jaws,(which explained its inability to enter the hole it was tar getting, and its so called sluggishness), anyways, I ran, got my camera, prodded it with a thin, weedy twig, remembered that the Hospital was out of Anti Snake Venom, called up our supplier, and proceeded to try and capture some of the snakes' beauty on my camera,,, Well, since I am hardly a naturalist, the shots do not do it full justice, You had to be there to fully appreciate its strange beauty, I guess, but for what it is worth, here are some of the pictures I took, and I shall attempt to upload the video on U-Tube tomorrow,,,,,, A little bit of polishing up of my technique, and another alternate career lined up for me,, What say you???

Nagging thoughts, a victory and a cup of tea,(for dinner,I am on a diet)

2008-04-20T19:37:00.003+05:30

This is in response to a comment, extremely ill-natured and entirely uncalled for, by a senior of the place I happen to be working in, He had the gall to say that he was losing faith in the people of this profession, ie in us lowly doctors. Why? Because I happened to decide to quit my job and go for an opportunity to try and get an extra qualification. While I did try to explain to all and sundry, that this was a tough call for me to make, I had to decide between a cushy present and an uncertain future, and I really feel that the Gentleman who passed the crass, childish remark, needs to take a swift look at what is going wrong in their own front yard, before shifting the blame onto someone else, by far the easier thing to do, I know, but something one doesn't associate with age and Experience. that is on top of the fact that if he fell ill, he would rather go to a so-called specialist, than come to me. Hypocrisy and ignorance!!!

Even if this chance to study a subject very close to my heart hadn't come along, I still would have been forced to leave this job, because I for one, do not like being an unwelcome guest, and that was exactly what I was here. The Hospital and its staff will never be anything but a white elephant for the people who run the place, and I would rather be somewhere, in the middle of the Saharan desert, getting paid in peanuts, but doing something worthwhile, working for someone who realised the value of a human life, and what caring for that feels like, because as doctors, this is what we spend 6 back-breaking years learning to do. Unless a person has experienced what we go through, in becoming doctors, I do not think, they have any right what-so-ever, to turn up their noses at us, or what we do.

No claims to greatness here, it is just that, when I join a particular job, I do like to think that I would be able to make a difference, but when you spend the better part of the day, in verbal duelling, just so that you can care for your patients better, it just gets too much to take. Add to that the comment made by the same senior, that in such a place, there is nothing called a private life for its employees, What do you say to that? That anybody can dictate what you do in the privacy of your bedrooms, that a person can just stride into your house and ask why you decided to paint your rooms a particular colour,,I seriously am at a loss for words.

I still consider being a doctor, more of a vocation, than a profession, and I consider job-satisfaction and a good work environment, much more important than a bag-full of money. There are so many things I want to tell the "gentleman'', with all respect to his graying hair, but most of all I would like to tell him that, I do not mind physical hardships in a job, it is the mental apathy of my employers that kill me. I am not used to running a plantation, being born after the British left these shores, and this is something I really would not want to try and learn now, not if it manages to stamp out the one thing that I feel is extremely necessary, if I have to be any good at what I do, yes I want to hang on to the human qualities I still have left in me.

Meanwhile 'Lorbo lorbo jeetbo re',,,,rents the air,, The Kolkata Knights have won their second match in a row,, and I have to go and join the festivities,,,,Yeaaaahhhhhh!!!!!

The shaking you feel is just me doing a victory dance,,,(Have learnt a few moves from the contestants of,'So you think you can dance' on AXN,, you see)

Tough times ahead

2008-04-17T20:40:00.004+05:30

Today I sit, stare at the blinking (no, not a swear word) cursor, thinking that I simply have to write something, or else my procrastination would claim another victim, and besides I owed it to my faithful readers right? ( that's right, I've finally gone totally irreparably bonkers). I have writers' block,, or Blog' ( God, I am so funny).

Anyway, if I continue in this manner, pretty soon, this page is going to feel like one of those TV sitcoms, with the weird, taped laugh tracks,,,that cackle at the most irritating times (read Always). I simply am not a very humorous person, nor a witty one, I am afraid (and no my looks have nothing absolutely, to do with it).

My tickets are here, I move out on the 30th,, I wish I could see what's coming ahead, as an adventure, but I am not naive, of this I am sure. If only I could express the fear I was feeling, the anxiety, the palpitations that keep me awake at night.

Was I indeed being stupid? To throw away this very secure job, with all its trappings and go through all the struggle, the uncertainty, the heartaches? I guess only time would tell, for sure. Contrary to what people may feel, I had a real tough time making up my mind, and telling my parents was another dreadful part of the whole thing, but as I wrote in an earlier post, they sure surprised me with how they reacted.

When I hear the belief in their voices, I just want to scream out and cry, not that it would help. I owe this one last chance, to myself, my parents, and to someone else. My relation with the Almighty has never been very special, in that I have very seldom seen any of my prayers for myself, come true, but if He's listening, or if He decides to read this blog, I would like to beg Him to try and support me through this.

I just want to do what is right,
' Touch-wood'
'Inshallah'

God's special blessings, for me.

2008-04-15T20:45:00.006+05:30

They say, our Parents are the closest we get to seeing God in our life.

They say right.

We all tend to take certain things so much for granted, in life, our parents perhaps topping that list, we go through our lives, never acknowledging what they mean to us, nor do we ever stop and think, till it is too late. How many of us have really turned around and said 'Thank-you' to our Mum and Dad?

None,, I believe, well, I intend rectifying that particular fault, via this,, though nothing beats saying it to their faces, something I plan on doing, as soon as I finish posting this.

For as long as I can recall, my parents have been my biggest support system, and we all know THAT'S not THE easiest job in the world, I am amazed at how easily they accept things, however unpleasant they may be, and how strong they actually are. in doing that.

When it comes to me and my happiness, they still are like the proverbial lions protecting their cub, At a time when I should be looking out for them, I am planning to set out in search of newer things to do, and they are still so supportive,, telling me to just try things out, and that I can always come back home, if things do not work out, how I should go for what my heart desires, because, pretty soon, life will have moved on, and desires will turn to regrets and 'what-ifs',,

They have been like my wings, carrying me through some really tough times, the entire last year, being such a time, their indefatigable strength and convictions have ensured that my self-belief has survived the pounding that it got, (and what a pounding it was),, the days of the year gone by, are the stuff nightmares are made of,,,but I have held on, thanks to them and to another very special friend,, someone who has, from the sidelines and from the frontier, as and when needed, been there to buoy me,, and my flagging spirits,, I am indeed blessed to have such people in my life.

Ma, Baba,, this is just an attempt to say,,'thank you' for all you have done,, even though words cannot even begin to express my love and gratitude, for all you have done for me, or my pride,, in having been born to you,, any attempts made by me to chronicle your efforts would take me another 50 lifetimes,, at least, Whenever I start to tire, I try and visualise your faces, your smiles, send up a silent prayer , and just keep going on, Someday, I hope I get to be there for you, and that goes for you too, Danny, when you need me. God bless you.

I hate farewells,

2008-04-12T18:17:00.003+05:30

The first time it happened, I was in the twilight of my teen years, and since then, the process continues, unabated, again and again, repeatedly. I am about to get uprooted, yet again. The first time was when I left home, fresh from my College days, starry-eyed, timid and so very idealistic, my senses full of my own Grandeur, eager as a bee in Spring-time, to do good, or at least something worthwhile. Since then, countless uprootings have happened, leaving me in fragments, bits of my Sentimental, foolish heart left behind, with bits of roots, that withstood the wrenching out.

It is about to happen again, I have lost count, you do tend to, after a while. I had come here, immersed myself(or at least tried to, honestly!!) in this new life, at a Tea Garden, slowly carving a home for myself, making plans to buy a dog, buying stuff to hang on the bare walls of my new home, when, all of a sudden, out of the blue, came a distress call, and as if Providence itself arranged it thus, an opportunity to do something my heart had always wanted, while attending to the call.

So, I leave, like a Gypsy, minus the whirly, brightly coloured garments, and the fortune-telling (what Cliches), to venture into a new world, again, but at least, this time around, there would be a pair of hands, to help me along, and a kind soul to give me company,

I am determined not to grow roots, this time around, not to try and make a home, for myself, treat it just the way it is meant to be, a halt in the night, a resting place, till I find my true Home!

The countdown has begun, the packing started again, the anxious parental concerns, the unsatisfactory, sometimes curt replies I give.. How do I tell them , that I am as anxious as them, more so maybe, because the luxury of Home, that they enjoy, the security its presence provides is not for me,,, ever again, has not been so for so many years.

An Obituary,,,Completed

2008-04-08T19:26:00.002+05:30

This is just to try and finish what I had left incomplete, yesterday. I am going to try and load the pic, I spoke of,...the least I can do.

By the way, Have any of you heard of the badly mutilated dog, (its ears were cut off), that was found by an American Soldier posted in Iraq? and how the soldier sat with the dog in his arms, till it felt better?, being very close to death when found, nursed him back to health, named him ' nub' due to his ear-less state, and how the dog travelled for over a hundred miles, in a not-so-well state, when the camp had to move on, in a few days time, and the dog had to be left behind, much to the soldiers' grief, to be re-united with the person it considered to be its owner, the soldier who had saved its life,, and how the soldier ran a campaign on the net to raise 2000 dollars, to ship Nub back to the States, to be kept at a friends' house, till he himself could go back, from active duty, to claim him?

This is the stuff actual love stories are made of...

An Obituary

2008-04-07T19:37:00.006+05:30

Someone today asked me why I didn't go and get married (not right then, of course), seeing how alone I always seemed to be,(hardly any surprises there as I am at a Tea Estate), and the reply that sprang from my lips, very spontaneously, without any thoughts what-so-ever, which is exactly how I do most of my talking, a very endearing trait, I know, was that I was indeed thinking of getting a dog!!!!!

All my abject apologies to anyone offended by this, for I have nothing against Marriage, as an Institution, and am myself the product of a quite happy union, as far as marriages go, but I still would rather go get a dog, any day of the week, than get married, if the only motive in doing so was to get myself a companion, and this should be considered as an Obituary to all the various dogs that I had, over a period of time, starting with the first one called 'Pinki", a Bhutanese mongrel I had when I was barely 10, to the last few, till the whole lot, grew old and died, one after the other, all of them leaving behind a part of themselves, in my memories,,.

Everybody who has ever had a dog, will agree when I say that a dog's eyes can be the most lovely, sympathetic, selfless things one could ever see around them, in times of crisis,they just seem to know when you are down, and make that extra effort to show that they are there, with you, without any speech exchanged, they seem to know exactly what went through my mind, and I was always glad for the moments I spent with them, their loyalty and love carried me through some tough times indeed, and my tears always seemed to disappear, in a matter of a few licks, and the whine of sorrow, that came from them, made mine seem so very unimportant, when compared to what they used to go through whenever they saw me sad,,

Hats off to each one of them,.They are all special, and will always remain so,.

P S: I had managed to dig out the only pic I had, of Pinki, my first dog, but thanks to this wretched GPRS and its multitude of Divaesque tantrums, I couldn't load it up,, promise to do so in my next post, whatever be the post on.

An evening, on a walk, after my cuppa.

2008-04-06T22:01:00.006+05:30

This is meant to be a quick write-up, which means, you can expect to see at least a hundred and fifty sentences here, The optimum time, not to have a walk in an area, which is more than 50% leaves, bushes, marsh-land and trees, in short,,,a Tea Garden, is the twilight hour, which by the way is fast starting to encroach on the witching hour, all the mosquitoes, and various other insects of unknown lineage, (but all with a common love interest,,Moi,,) were converging on my face and eyes, and it was tough walking,,whew!! Anyways, my journey back, listening to the songs of Metro, on my cell, was free from any such intrusions,, and I was walking back fast. Femina Miss India was on, and I wanted to watch that.

My goodness, the contestants were young, 21, 22 years old, but were they confident,,! they reminded me of another such confident girl, way back in 1994, Sushmita, who has since then blossomed into this Uber-confident, awe-inspiring Diva, of the calibre of Zeenat, or maybe even better, she puts everyone else into the shadowy corners of a room, the moment she walks in, and lights it up,, my God, there hasn't been even a single Miss India after that, to come even close. Right?

Then I sat and watched "Grey's Anatomy", where again, there were these two women characters, both strong, confident Doctors, good at what they did ,one was giving up her profession, because the man she loved, succumbed to a disease, reminding her, as death of a patient always tends to, that we doctors are mere mortals, and life or death, happens in spite of us. The second Dr, on the show was being deserted by the man she loved, because he, all of a sudden, decides that she would be better off without him, the decision of a couple being taken by one man with a God mania. How many times have we come across similar incidences in Real life too?

This looks like something that ought to have been a part of some so-called Women's' magazine, during 'Women's' Day', I know,, but as the name of my Blog,( one that I didn't have to spend sleepless nights over naming) says,, these are after all the RAVINGS, albeit random of a person,,,, namely,,Me!!

Never claimed to be a great writer, or an Intellectual, and that great Revelations would come forth through my posts,, so,,, sue me!

Cup of Tea, and Peace

2008-04-04T20:07:00.002+05:30

If Freud were alive today, he would be wetting his pants in anticipation, and I can also see all the amateur psycho-analysts rubbing their hands in glee,,,Yummmmm!! New material at long last.

I really identify with the character of Jeet, in Jab we met, No, I am not anorectic,(though some of my friends would beg to differ), with Fab-India kurtis, and a 'fair-to-the-point-of looking washed -out skin' to boot, but everything else matches, to the proverbial 'T'. I have verbal diarrhoea, now-a-days running into the realms of the Black-and-white, thanks to the unavailability of a live audience, and to the mounting STD bills,(do I hear multiple sighs of relief?), OCD forms such a large part of my life, that it has gone beyond mere straightening of bed-spreads of my childhood, to a desire to iron out creases, in all I see and encounter, up to a 100 km radius around me, including every body's lives, regardless of whether they want me to or not,(they just don't' know any better). Like Jeet, I too am probably rushing headlong towards a major disillusionment, which will probably break me and my Ideals, once and for all, because, up until now, I have managed to bounce back, from all that life has very graciously slapped me with, like the proverbial rubber ball. Moreover,(am I supposed to start a line in this manner? ), now-a-days, I manage to see the funny side, very often non-existent and entirely self-fabricated, even in themost horrible things, and that too when they are happening to me.

My sense of humor, too is going from the 'Cutely-Quirky' to the out-and-out weird, and then beyond, mood swings appear and disappear so fast, I am left spinning like a top,,A colorful one at that, because my dress sense, now consists of colors, most people politely term as "LOUD", Last night, this friend of mine was trying to convince me,again, that Silence is, indeed, most of the times, Golden, and I was busy trying to recall what Gold prices were at the moment, (unrelated? Odd? You really think so?)

I scare myself, most of the times, by all the energy I manage to pack in, within this petite (YES!!!!) frame, and my hospital staff are forever in a state of shock, poor beings.

Rudyard Kipling had once remarked, " It is better to write something about nothing, than write nothing about anything, at all",- This is just what I have been doing, verbally and mentally, for as long as I can remember, It was nice to find such a nice description to my madness!

PS: I am happy, the baby,(I had written of) though diagnosed as having Duodenal Atresia, has had the surgery, is recovering, and has been allowed milk, from today. Life rocks!

Morning Tea,,,,(A lesson in humility)

2008-04-02T08:46:00.003+05:30

The fact that I did not post anything yesterday, was thanks to the utter dependability of the GP RS via BSNL, and somehow that made my day, incomplete.

A three day year old baby boy was operated upon, for a birth defect, at the local Medical College, and The Almighty willing, he should pull through. That was a good thing to have happened yesterday.

We doctors are supposed to entertain Herculean egos, and I wonder if that is the reason why I feel bad when I go to one of my seniors, for some Hospital related matter, and am made to wait outside, while a so-called important discussion is being held, and various clerical staff are maintaining a steady exodus, to and from the room. Is that my Ego, which felt the pinch, or is it the egos of the non-medical personnel we all encounter in our day-to-day lives, that feels pampered at this, 'putting us in our place'? I had a tough time tying to convince the staff of the shop, from where I had bought my laptop, to make a minor adjustment,in the hardware, yesterday, for the simple reason that I had forgotten to take along my receipt of sale, a mistake I accepted, but which made no dent in the intent of the person determined to teach me a much-needed lesson. This is in no way, meant to be a ' doctor v/s the rest of the world' kind of thing, but I cant help wonder, that life would be a much easier place, to get along in, and everything would get accomplished much sooner, in a much more pleasant and timely manner, if only people stopped trying to put us Doctors in our places, all the time,, Because, believe me when I say, we DO know our place, in the scheme of things, and I for one, do not tend to wear my degree on my forehead, as a status symbol, meant to put me above the rest of the world. I know the special privilege I have been given, as a Doctor, His little tool in making people forget their illnesses, for a while, and smile, and perhaps, sometimes, even make a sickness go away.

The Supreme Truth.

2008-03-31T19:07:00.002+05:30

All through our lives, we have choices made for us,we labour under the common misconception that we are our own masters, how laughable is this folly. I for one have always had to dance to the tunes He plays, and apart from making me a tolerable dancer, it has given me the satisfaction of fulfilling a higher purpose, that's all. He has given us this life, as a sort of trial run, to prepare us for what is to come, and our outcome (in what is to follow), shall be determined to a large extent by the manner in which we dance to the Celestial tune because dance we must, the only thing in our hands is whether we smile through it all, or crib our life away.

I am not trying to trivialise something as important as this, I just am trying to keep myself from tears, and also to reiterate my Faith, by writing it out, which, in my case, as I live alone, is like saying it all aloud to someone

The Almighty has revealed the plans He has for us, His supreme creation, and that has been passed down for generations, unchanged, word by word, in the form of the Holy Koran, for people to try and read, accept and modulate their lives, the way He has deemed it proper, not forcing us ever to do anything, against our will, but if only we were to use the organ that is supposed to make us the most superior inhabitants of this world, our brains, we would see the irrefutable logic behind it all, and that the after-life is the one that really counts. If so, all that we go through, or I should say, are blessed enough to be put through, will seem like His special blessings to each one of us, proof of how much He loves us all, regardless of how much we accept Him, in our lives.

This is meant to be a place where I can post things close to me, my feelings and thoughts, and so everything that is put down here, can hardly be humorous, or witty or clever, for that matter. I have seen the truth, and wanted to speak out loud, because these past few days have been trying, and as is very common with us all, our faith is at its most shaky, in times of stress, and this is me re-affirming my faith, my trust in Him, that whatever He has planned for me, I shall endeavour to carry it through, if He so wills it, and ask for His help, in doing so, because, even for a leaf to flutter, is but a manifestation of His will.

Sehwag

2008-03-28T17:02:00.001+05:30

Veeru just went past a glorious 250, Yipee!

--
Sent from Gmail for mobile | mobile.google.com

rajarshi,,

Afternoon Tea, Cricket and Pride

2008-03-28T14:56:00.001+05:30

I just gave Virendra Sehwag a standing ovation, on his 4th Test double hundred, I could'nt help it, here was a man who had no place in our Test team, 2 matches back, was so badly out of form, and here he was, playing shots with the same non-chalance that he had shown, when he was getting out to bad shots, misplayed hits, during that lean patch of his. All his shots wouldn't find a place in the cricketing manuals, his attitude that of a marauding conquerer, he was hitting Ntini, who was bowling at 140ks, as if he were a spin bowler, smashing him for a huge unorthodox 6, while on 193, and reaching another milestone in the next few balls. I donot claim to have much technical know-how, as far as cricket goes, but like any other Indian, I love my Cricket, and wear my proud heart on my sleeve, on all matters Cricket. This was just a man doing what he knows best, and in the process showing a few people, who had given up, a bit too early, what Class was all about. The 'harping-carpies' will have a field day with the so-called dead pitch, and they may very well do so, till the cows came home, it still wouldn't take away anything from a match, an innings, I was privileged to have watched, and there can be no two opinions about that.

The fact I think, will terrify the South Africans all the more, is that they have Sachin sitting with pads on, in what could arguably be termed the best form of his career, and then Ganguly and Laxman to follow, with Dravid just beginning his vigil, at the crease, I would say, we are in for a thrilling ride indeed, and we better settle down, and enjoy the show,, I have a feeling, Sehwag has just warmed up, the way he hoisted Ntini for a 4, turned back, and walked off to tea, he is enjoying himself, and he looked Glorious doing so.

The Tea Leaves' Journey,,

2008-03-27T19:26:00.006+05:30

I was returning from the factory of the Tea Estate that I work in, and the words were already forming, For the first time, I had an idea of what I was about to attempt to put down, in today's blog. In the factory, for the first time, I was taken through the intricate albeit precise process that goes into providing many of us with one of life's gretest pleasures, a hot steaming cup of tea. From the onset, till they are packed into bags, the tea leaves go through a lot of crushing, cutting, drying, rolling, and sorting, a lot of the process involving strainers of varying mesh, and the tea leaves have to pass through them before they are strained for a final tme, into our cups. The mesh of the strainers are responsible for the accurate grading, sorting and pricing of what was once the pride of the entire nation, 'Assam Tea'. This tea, even though, still popular with a lot of people, all over the country, is fast losing many of its International admirers, to the encroachment by Vietnamese,/ Sri-Lankan tea.

As I was going through the factory, I could'nt help but wonder, what a perpetual hub of activity it was, the machines never stopping for more than a few hours, till November, when the so-called season ends. Tea gardens are considered to be laid back, sleepy places, this factory soon dispells that particular fallacy. It is an untiring, relentless and precise process these people strictly keep an eye on, that results in a great cup of tea, and in this whole process, small, unprecedented, glitches can ruin a good produce. which merits the eagle-eye. On my way back, I could see the Hospital from a-far, and what a contrast it was, quiet, deserted and full of the sounds that make up an early spring night, which is exactly the way it should be. This doesn't mean I am a lazy lay-about, its just that too much of an activity in the hospitals does not signify a happy occassion, the only people who frequent these premises are the sick, ill and suffering, and an increase in the number of these people, is hardly desirable, right?

I will never be the owner of a flourishing nursing home, with an attitude like this, I know,,,,but you know what? I am happy just the way I am,

Till next time,, Cheers (to a cup of tea).

Another Rainy Afternoon,,Tea, Cricket and my thoughts,,

2008-03-26T14:22:00.003+05:30

This is one of those rainy days, we come across so very often, in this part of the world. Winter chills seem to linger and lurk in the side-lines, quick to jump in and add their bit to the rains, grey skies, wet- sloshy lanes,, the tea bushes spouting fresh, new, wet, glistening leaves, the world looks pretty indeed, and people seem to develop a more laid-back attitude to everything. Hot fritters and steaming hot tea, a Cricket telecast on the Telly,,,,wish this lunch break went on for ever.

Today I again experienced something, that makes what we Doctors do, worthwhile, in spite of all the death, decay and illness around us, and the endless frustrations of not being able to do enough,and on time. On my first day at this new job, I met a young female patient, admitted in our TB unit, who looked very precariously close to death, and learnt that this was her third trip to the Hospital, and that she was almost abandoned by her In-laws and her mother too, rarely found time for her, she lay on her bed, all day, her eyes looking out of the window, she never spoke, and was turning weaker by the day.

My staff let me know that her family found it hard to admit, initially, that she had TB, a very common hurdle to proper diagnosis and treatment of the same, here, and that when she finally became too weak to go through any more 'broom-beating rituals', that she was endlessly subjected to, she was dumped here, where she was put on the proper medications, again, and all we could do, was to wonder if it was all too late, I didn't see what I could do next, she was getting her medicines, and we could only wait for her to respond. I tried to speak to her, to get her to go outside, sit in the warmth of the sun, to get cleaned up, she didn't even turn towards my voice. Something made me go through this seemingly futile ritual, day after day, and one day, after a week or so, I saw her sitting on her bed, and she gave me, what could be called a smile, when I spoke to her. I felt like I had achieved a lot, and doubled my efforts, spending a few minutes in her room, every day, making my nursing staff too, talk to her, I never once tried to sympathise or patronise her, in any way and tried to treat her as any other normal person, kidding, making a few jokes, and slowly her smile became a much regular feature, and she soon begun to get out of her bed, sit outside, and attempt to try and look pretty.

One day she talked,,,,,,,,,,,,, she said that she wanted some warm water to try and take a bath, and even though she was being kept clean by the staff, her statement made me so happy. I had to go to a training for a week, a few days later, and during that time she had a set-back. After I returned, our efforts continued, and by the first of this month, she was almost completely back to what she must have been like, before her nightmare began. She put on weight, acted as a chaperon for our other female TB patients,helping us take care of them, talking to them, telling them what to do, and what not to, she spent time just chatting to them, with their family members who came to visit, and finally, she went home yesterday.

Today morning she was waiting for me, when I reached work, all dressed up, alive, smiling and looking just the way a girl her age was supposed to, her husband had been given a talking-to, by 'yours truly', and seems like, he was looking after her, quite well. She smiled at me, said, that she was happy now, and that she wanted to try and have a baby,,I wanted to stand there and cry, I was so pleased (told you all earlier, I cry at the drop of a hat) and my job didn't look so bad after all, The whole turn-around took almost two whole months, but was worth every moment,,,,

Tea with Abeeda,,

2008-03-25T20:34:00.003+05:30

Khusboo ka koi jhonka ho toh, saason se zanjeer karu,,

Itne khwaab hain aankho aankho, kis kis kii taabir karu,,

Jiske saaye me baith, toh saare gam begaane ho,

Pehle har deewaar giraau, phir woh ghar taameer karu,

Tumne kucch poocha tha mujhse aur main ab-tak sochta huu,

Kitne zakhm chhupa kar rakkhu, kitne gam tehrer karu,,

Dying For a cup of TEA !!

2008-03-24T16:18:00.004+05:30

I just cannot be expected to write anything of much value, today, and no, I donot suffer from pathological Egomania, but I am in an over-critical mood today, and whatever I try to write will seem like a post-mortem write up, not an eulogy, at that. So, the safest thing, I have decided, will be to write on things closer home, so that I step on my own toes, if at all I do. Much ,much safe, Right?

My blog's looking desperately in need of some cosmetic repairs, closely written lines, no proper spacing between them, horrid font and color schemes, the text, not anything to write home about, I mean, I can attend to my aging looks, with the help of some Ponds' age miracle, and believe me when I say, if they manage to do something about my face and the way it is starting to look, the Ponds' people will be nothing short of being the next Messiah,and I wish I had something similar for my poor blog.I, am not a very tech-savvy person, to start with,(is there any Oscar for understateents,?), and so all my attempts to make a visually appealing Blog, are just making it look like something the dog drags in,.

SIGH!!!!!!,, My Profile too, is missing the only word that I found, did describe me, totally and precisely, and I had to remove that under considerable duress, because some people found that derogatory, and here I was, thinking that as long as we donot insult any-one else(unduely), a little bit of self deprecation is quite all-right,.the bonus to that being, we don't stand any chance, what-so-ever, of turning into arrogant, Opinionated, self-righteous, know-it-alls. There is so much I still am to learn.

The Blondes of the world donot have to cry themselves hoarse, they are not the only people to be judged at face value, no sireee!! I have found that Doctors have to look, talk, smile and dress,a certain way, always helps if you are short-sighted, with horn-rimmed, (so-called) horribly unfashionable glasses, your skills be damned. I mean, any person in a pair of decent-fitted jeans, and a nice, trendy tee' has to be " DUHH !!!!" right?, How much more 'Kora-Kaagaz' can it all get? Wait, things don't end here, we are even judged on what we read, Yes!! Can you beat that?

All my life, I had to justify my liking the stuff Daniele Steel wrote, not any more, I went ahead and bought the latest paperback she wrote. If you watch soaps, serials of any kind, you cannot divulge that little gem of information, in a public place. People are so quick to judge us, based on so many, unnecessary stereotypes, it really gets to be a pain in the ass, almost every time. 'Bigots' would be too mild a term for these people, and I really am thankful at not being born to a household with one, imagine what pitiful lives, these people must subject their families to,.

I am about to end another day at work, and I think a cup of steaming hot milky tea, would manage to iron out a few of these frowns, and creases. Till next time,, :

P S: As always,I have begun somewhere, and ended at a far-removed place, this mirrors my state of mind, flights of fancy, you say?

P P S: I can see SOME PEOPLE go, hmmmmmmmm! with raised eye-brows( dyed ones, at that ).

P P P S; No lambu-ji, I donot mean you, cross my heart and hope to die.

Evening-Tea,,,Memories for Company,,

2008-03-22T18:31:00.004+05:30

I really missed punching away at my computer keys yesterday, had a really tough day, which lasted way beyond 3.30 am in the morning, and by the time I finally went to sleep, I was too tired to get any.
Today was HOLI, a festival, or rather a day, we were so enthusiastic in celebrating, way back in the days, when we were small, with hardly any care or worry to hinder us in the serious and single-minded pursuit of just a good time, and it was amazing, how we succeeded, most of the time. We, as humans, have this habit of indulging in nostalgia, and it's strange, how the only memories that survive of our childhood, are the good ones, of the great boisterous times we had, interspersed by memories of a sad kind, but in such a way that they hardly spoil the picture for us. Bryan Adams singing,"summer of 69" is a favourite among many people, many of whom are not even serious followers of English music, as a genre, and the reason is again 'nostalgia', for even those who were in the storks' store-house, during the period, to be released into this world, at a much later date, the song evokes a sense of longing, for the days past by, and we all end up happy, wallowing in the memories of our individual-happy-days, and we all have our share of those. The future may bring what we crave, but all that is cloaked in a mass of uncertainty and this is why we would rather go back, misty-eyed, to the past and the sense of security that it affords us, every trip down memory-lane, also serving to give us the courage to look forward to the future, to brace ourselves for whatever is to come, the belief that good times are there for us, at the back of our minds, a safety net that allows us to walk forward, secure in the knowledge that, we can fall back, at any time, not get hurt, rejuvenate ourselves, and carry on,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

A Rainy Evening,,and Tea

2008-03-20T19:11:00.003+05:30

A rainy evening, sitting alone at my table, trying desperately to improve my typing speed,watching the lightning flashes temporarily illuminate everything around an otherwise dark yard, spilling through the uncovered window panes, into the room, it is dark, due to a funny thing, all of a sudden, just minutes after the Electrician had left the premises, all the lights decided to go on strike, saving the power lines,, and as a result of that, my computer is on, so is my music system (thank-God for small mercies), but otherwise, I am sitting in a black-out! Whoever said life was dull in a Tea Garden hadn't obviously lived here,,

It is the festival of colors tomorrow, and I am looking for reasons to stay in,,maybe it is my age catching up with me,, but I donot find the crazed running-around, drunk, and in a daze, at all amusing,,everything is an excuse to play the idiot, now-a-days.

My friend is still in a blue funk, he has finally gone ahead and broken his cell-phone into bits, and is trying desperately to come to grips with how true love can turn into abject hatred, in a matter of days, and I can just look on,,

Tomorrow marks the birthday of a person who was once very close to me, and is now, just the opposite,,Here's wishing that person,,All the very best on the Special Day, with many many more healthy, fun and cheerful returns,.

A cry for help,,(No tea today)

2008-03-18T19:29:00.003+05:30

How often do we really mean it, when we say, we could die for some-body? Can any one just end the life we hold so dear, for some-body else?

I am reading " the Zahir", now, long overdue, I know,, and I came across some lines where the author was trying to differentiate between a doctor and other 'normal' people,, I use the term normal, in all seriousness, the author says, that, a doctor has to take even an ordinary everyday situation, for which everyone else would have a seemingly innocent, rational explanation and hunt for the other, equally plausible, logical, if somewhat unlikely explanations,, and I thought, how very true that was, it is, perhaps thanks to this conditioning, we undergo,that we turn out to be such difficult people, in our personal lives, cursing all who cross our paths, in it, with eternal doom, in this twisted warped (Garp-like) world of ours, where nothing can ever be taken for granted, and we hunt for reasons, in places we could very well not do so, look for a hundred different 'logical' reasons and answers, for questions that aren't even asked,, we end up splitting hairs, making ourselves, and all those around us, miserable!

It is this very attitude, which makes us take every situation at so much more than just face-value, and go through endless torture, for the same. It is just this which is making my friend feel like this is the end of the world, and even though I want to do and say something, anything to make him feel better, make him go back to being the way he was, I can't, because, I, of the-'thousand words a minute' reputation, can't think of even a single sentence, that would achieve this,, what am I to do?

what would you do?

I'd really love for some-body to try and answer this,,PLEASE!!! I am at my wit's end, and am beginning to get really scared here. I mean it. This is not a gimmick meant to increase my TRP, or something similarly lame and insane, this is an honest plea for help. So,, HELP!!

Sunday Evening Tea,,,

2008-03-16T19:09:00.002+05:30

Its very seldom that I actually have even a skeletal idea of what I am going to write, when I sit to do it, and this is the truth, which is reflected in what I write, I guess, as I've been told by one of friends, who is a regular reader, if not the only one,, and I am so thankful to him, because he is one of the, if not THE ONLY reasons, why I am persisting.

I am listening to Abeeda Parveen sing " Kesariya Baalam" and can't help wonder if a voice and a talent like hers, can be anything but more proof of the Almighty's benign, all encompassing presence. Today was a Sunday and to me it was like any other day, except that I didn't have to go to the Hospital (even though I did), and Yes, I did get up late, a luxury I don't want to enjoy every day, for that would mean, trouble getting to sleep at night, and THAT, as we all know, is no pleasure, and has in fact, led to many a doctor leading lives of Millionares, by helping people, sleep, for a few precious hours,,Thank-God, I at least donot have that particular problem to deal with,, for now, at least. What a really optimistic statement, that was! Right?

My mind is not at peace, if you haven't guessed it by now, that is,, my friend is going through a very tough time, and our penchant of playing God, is what is responsible for this,, someone wants to spare him the hurt he MAY face, in the future, and so is making sure he hurts, like hell, right now,, Please tell me if I am the only person to whom this sounds like THE MOST STUPID PLAN ever? Why do we have to take a perfectly good thing, stamp our half-witted theories on it, and make ourselves miserable, ahead of time, when we can just go ahead and enjoy whatever Joy, we are given, for as long as we have them, and then,, leave the rest to the Almighty,? There must be times, like these when even He must groan at His decision to make us His best creation, when all we can ever do, is try and find ways to fuck-up this life we are given,

We have to stop trying to play God, it is not a thing we excell at, and we should rather try and be decent human beings, use our intellect in better, happier, more productive ways, so that when the time comes, for life to stick it to us, we at least have happy memories to fall back on,, I can just pray that Allah, in His kindness and Mercy give "D" the strength, to go through this,,

Afternoon cup of tea on my veranda,,,silences deafen,,

2008-03-15T19:41:00.005+05:30

I have been asked why is it that I talk such a lot, on quite a number of occasions, the last time being just last week, and even though I had given a flippant answer at the time, in reality, I guess it is because I really hate the sound of silence, yes, silence does have sounds, and none of them are pleasant, this being one of the main reasons why I never have been able to understand what on earth people mean when they say,,"companionable silence",,,

This afternoon, sitting on my quarter's veranda, having not gone to the sports meet that was taking place in a different Garden Club, I was trying to read, it was a typical early spring noon, windy and pleasant, the tree in my front yard was busily strewing the ground beneath and around it, with orange leaves,my poor gardener would not like that, at all, and the poor chap DOES like a tidy, leaf-free yard, even though I liked quite the opposite, but I keep quiet because I have to watch how I behave in a garden, it would never do for the people who hired me to think they had a mad person on their hands, as it was, they were already worried that I was DEPRESSED,, reading one of my earlier posts,,Anyway, I am rambling, as usual,,So, there I was, listening to the enveloping silence, which was making itself heard, even over the noise of the wind, the falling leaves, shaken out of the trees, by the rustling, creaking branches, and the quiet never sounded more horrid then it did, just then. I hugged my knees close, and even though it was a little balmy, I felt a chill, it was the chill of loneliness, the sadness that my best friend was about to have his heart broken, and there was nothing I could do to stop it, the quiet reminded me that I was sitting all alone on my veranda, away from him, and the other people I loved, and that silence and its deafening noisy existence was probably going to make up a part of my life, no matter where I went, what I did, because this is what is meant to be my personal bed of thorns, and lie on it, I would have to,whether I liked it or not. The evening would soon be upon me, the night soon to follow, each bringing with it, overpowering silence, and I would have to find different ways of shutting my ears to it, in fact this is exactly what I am doing now, writing, with the music on, there was the T V after this, then blissful sleep,,,then the struggle would start again, on a Sunday morning,,the week to come after that,,, life has to go on, silences faced and endured,,its just hard to do it always, with a smile on my face,, that's when I cry,,,

Yes cry! That's for another day, a man and CRY ?,,,,,,,,

P S : My parents are coming for a stay, next week,, thank God for small mercies. life won't be so bad, then.

Cup of Tea on a Rainy Evening,,

2008-03-14T19:11:00.004+05:30

This is one post that I've been meaning to share since quite a while, had thought of this during my last days at home, Haflong,, how very far away that sounds, especially this rainy evening, just having heard a train thunder by, with the delicious train noise, that somehow always makes one feel home-sick. Anyways, it was during my last few days at home, I was in the habit of going to my old school, which had been re-modelled into a Missionary Hospital, a few years back, and helping out there, since no doctor ever stayed there long enough, and one windy January morning, after my morning rounds were taken care of, I was indulging in the lovely luxury of a book, while basking in the sun, which had decided to make an appearance, albeit a late one, that day, when I noticed a lady sitting some distance away, a shawl covering most of her face and she was rather busy reading a news-paper, and since I knew for a fact, that no news papers had been delivered there for the past two-three days, I couldn't help but wonder who she was and what could she possibly find so engrossing, in old news,she seemed to be reading it the way children mug their lines, before exam time, and she also looked so very familiar,,, No! That couldn't be who I thought it was, I decided to enquire of the sister there, and it turned out, I indeed had recognised one of my old High-School teachers, who had since then been diagnosed as being mentally compromised and was staying at the convent,, I went to her and said "Hello",,She squinted against the sun, and smiled, I knew she had no way of recognising me, as I had lost quite a bit of weight (more like,dwindled from triplets to a single child), but after some time, on chatting a bit, in the lovely voice and diction I remembered so well, she said my name, and that my voice was still the same,,I was so happy, she was this lovely lady, who always spoke impeccable English, and wore beautiful, single colored silk sarees, she always smelled of something sweet, a smell I later learnt, belonged to ' pot-pourri', and her eyes still twinkled! She asked what I was doing, and reminisced quite a bit, with no sign of any mental disorder, in what she said, or the way she said it,,I spent some time talking, and then let her get back to her paper,,

The day before I came away, I went back, in the hope of meeting her, of saying Good-bye, she wasn't there, her brother had been to the convent, and taken her to their village for a visit.

She was a sad reminder of my days back then, of the life and people I had since then left, perhaps for-ever, and I felt sad, as I am doing now, writing this down,, for all that was past, those happy, mad, joyful days, the friends, the small desires, the small house I started my life in, my small town, life was at its best then,,, I miss it.

Different cup of tea,,,contd,

2008-03-13T18:50:00.002+05:30

Scarlett O'Hara,, The most unheroine-like heroine that I've come across in these years, in the few books that I've managed to read. She always fascinated me from the first read, there have been many re-re-re-reads to follow, of course, and the first thing that struck me was how human she seemed, jealous, spiteful, petty, selfish and spoilt with a rich father to boot, a girl who expected things to go her way,,ALWAYS,, and yet they seldom did,, no matter how hard she tried. She had the looks and yet men, especially those whom she loved, went for the plain looking Melanie, who was her anti-thesis, to say the least. She made every mistake in the book and suffered for them, and yet when the time comes, she rises to the ocassion, unwillingly and with the choicest abuses on her lips, but rise she does, going as far as to deliver her rival's baby, and almost single handedly saving all their lives during the seige of Atlanta, with the help of the incorrigible Rhett Butler, whom she detested, and who was the only person who saw her for what she really was, (the rest of the people were busy putting her on a pedestal). She fights off amorous, drunk soldiers, protects her beloved Tara from intruders, another very unwomanly and ahead of her times- love for land, for its intrinsic beauty and attatched sentiments, no doubt, but also very much for the money it represented. She was so unwillingly positive, if such a term makes any sense at all, and to top it all , was her attitude of saying, that there always was a new day to follow, to every misery, and that things would probably look and be better the next day. Very often, swept away in the heat of our current crisis, we tend to forget this very important fact, that there always IS another day to follow,,,and Scarlett seemed so much better than Melanie and so many of the other heroines from so many other books, in that she was so much more real and close to what real people, with their follies and faults are like,

She made that huge tome seem like a real fast read, and this is one book I shall have on my bookshelf, for as long as I can,,,,!

Morning cup ofTea,,,

2008-03-13T13:54:00.002+05:30

Some days start like a dream, you tend to wake up with a smile on your lips, a feeling that spills over into how you live the day, where everything around you seems to be whispering a secret, inaudible prayer of its own, life seems to treat you as Destiny's favourite child,,,,,and then there are those days when nothing seems to go quite the way you want, where the day seems to stretch on ahead of you like a torture with no seeming end, a day when all you really want to do is crawl back into bed, and wait for it to end,, We humans are selfish, to say the least, when it comes to ourselves, we want perfect days,, everyday, and when we don't, we tend to grumble, frown and curse everything around us that seemed so lovely, just, maybe the previous day, too tied up in the superficial accessories and trappings of life to realise our real purpose, in this world.

The " Quran" says, " Man should undertake every single prayer as his last, before he starts on his final journey, to meet his Creator forsaking all that he holds dear, his desires, his life ," which is exactly the way life is to be led, every day treated as another blessing from Him, bestowed on us with the sole purpose of fulfilling our individual commands from Him, to work, to play, but never to be wasted in thinking of what could have been, and never pondering on the day gone by, with never a thought to push any of today's work into the morrow, and if we do live every single day, like the blessing that it is,, at the end of the day, we will slip into a blissful sleep, where no nightmares shall be allowed to intrude, and one where He watches over us and one where we can stand up to His queries, and tell Him, even though The Almighty needs no telling, that we have been true to what He has taught us, and that we have lived our day, our lives just the way He meant us to.

Different cup of tea,,contd.

2008-03-12T09:18:00.003+05:30

I am thinking of making this a regular feature, time and other factors permitting. I have completed just over a month at my new job and am quite liking it here. After my last job, at my Alma-Mater, as a Registrar, which is meant to denote a junior Faculty member, and as an Honorary M O of the ART Centre, which is an Anti HIV treatment centre, which provides free medications to the HIV and AIDS afflicted people of the area, run by the NACO, I was really at the cross-roads, I had spent more than three years of my life doing something I liked a lot, and which gave me the satisfaction of seeing a job well done, at the end of the day, but later on realised that I had nothing to show for it. There are certain things a person is expected to do by the time he/she reaches a certain age, of which I'd done nothing. No marriage, no kids no PG seat to show, I knew what I had done while at AMC, but how was I supposed to explain it to others? Since that job,and my disillusioned existence, since, my job here is giving me a sense of purpose, a feeling that what I am doing here, will perhaps make a small difference in some-one's life, and for me that is paramount. I get a sense of achievement with every small smile I receive from my patients, or when the small babies giggle, as I tickle them. It makes me feel good when small school-going children, stop, smile and say Good-Morning, believe me when I say, the day some-how looks and seems a lot brighter,after that. It is so peaceful and lovely here, and every single person I've encountered since my arrival here has gone out of their way to make me feel at home, in what was a very different life to start with. I am not a very ambitious person to start with, and all along, the few people and even fewer things that make up my small world, were more important to me, and I measure my success and failure in their context. Chubwa is a lovely place and I am indeed lucky to get a chance and make a bit of difference to another human life,a part that gets horribly lost at the jobs, the Metros have to offer. I just hope I can continue to do my job well, and as humanely as possible, because I truly feel, a Doctor not only treats an illness, he/she also spreads compassion, and tries to heal souls.

P S: I am loving the quarters allotted to me, and am trying to convert it into a " Home".

P P S : The Air crafts flying overhead (not today, it's cloudy) make me feel as if I am a part Of Rang-De-Basanti,,,,,

The supreme unifier

2008-03-10T18:38:00.003+05:30

The 2nd of March,
Transit Lounge
Kolkata Airport,,(en-route to a lil' holiday)
The settings were nothing new,the usual airport-lounge stuff were all there, the same oft-repeated scenes being played out then? you may ask?,,,,,NO, not at all, there is a huge big plasma T V set on, muted(!!!),set to a sports broadcast, which was televising a live Ind-Aus match, the 1st Final, in fact, everyone there was glued to the same, men and women alike, there were passengers from three different flights and no-one was doing any-thing else, they were all so transfixed by the sight of Sachin, in the company of the new eligible bachelor on the block, Rohit Sharma,playing an innings of his life! We were cheering every single, four and even the occasional dodged ball, as if all our lives depended on the outcome,but then in India maybe it does! As Sachin inched slowly towards his century, taking India along the path of sure victory, the boarding announcements were being made,and where there is always the mad jostle-bustle, as if everything is on a first come-first served basis,there was absolutely no movement,save the odd one or two,here and there. In due course Sachin shamed the Aussies, raised his bat, all the spectators in that limited space, rose as one, with him, cheered, clapped some even jumped, and then,satisfied, filed out in an orderly fashion. There were odd,idiotic grins on many faces, and I was left wondering,then and during the two hour flight, how, despite all our so-called differences, we all seemed to come together,every time a cricket match seemed to be on,and how all our problems seemed to disappear,for an hour or two at least,if we did go on to win,and this some-how seemed especially poignant today, after India failed to qualify for the hockey berth in the Olympics. Sad, but the memory of that cricket match watched in the airport lounge,minus commentary, seemed more real than this.

A different cup of tea

2008-03-09T18:07:00.004+05:30

How do i sign in? As usual, my confident self,,anyways,there was a choice of two topics for today's post,I decided to go with this,owing to my state of mind,yup!! you guessed right, m down in the dumps-again!!I have joined Tata Tea Ltd. as an Estate Medical Officer,at the 1st Tea Estate ever to be established in Assam,at a place called Chubwa,25 km from my Alma Mater,AMC. I came here on the 1st of Feb.and am still finding my feet,for this indeed is," A different cup-a-tea"-indeed.Its so beautiful amidst the verdant green landscape,misty and shrouded in mystique,in the early mornings,of which I get to see a lot,as my day here,at the Office, starts at an ungodly hour,at 6,30 am.

I have to get up,get bathed,ready,regain full possession of all my faculties and reach my Outdoor by .30 am, and then my day starts! Thew first few days I spent in getting used to the 5 servants(!!!!!) provided to every management staff,by the company,(did I tell you,I am a Deputy Manager here,from the day I start:)!!) They whisk away my slippers from under my feet,even before I've thought of removing them! Then come the 2nd source f amazement,my patients. They come in droves,(my nurses call me a bee-hive)and have to be taken care of,LITERALLY!!They do me a great favour by complying wit my requests to take their medications,and bat their eye-lashes in a way,the late Marilyn Monroe would find worthy of emulating,if I ask them the "why" question,to anything! Tuberculosis is still THE No.1 cause of death here,and they still look upon this disease as a matter of shame,it's a 60 bedded hospital in a garden with a population of 12,000 and I'm the only doctor here,so it's no wonder I have such an easy time.I don't know,if my coming here has made any difference to them,what-so-ever,but I just want to make sure,my presence here makes a small change towards the right,for as long as I am here. These are such innocent people here,and even though it is quite a lonely life here,a person could manage to find himself busy,if he/she so wanted to.I've come back from a trip today,and am drawing in a deep long hard breath,before starting a new week at work here,from tomorrow,even while listening to "Azeem-o-shaan-Shahenshah" and writing this.I've decided to add a few photos of the place, and till my next post on this,keep the caffeine flowing! Cheers!!

Tough going!!

2008-01-08T12:03:00.000+05:30

" Expectations " A very common, and an even more commonly used word in the English dictionary, but one that, I, have had a lot of trouble understanding and explaining, to myself, of course!
We are advised not to have any, in any of the relations, we may be in, at any given time, for it's said, having them could turn out to be the surest way of losing our loved ones,,and I've found this to be so true.
But, if we hold still and think about it, We end up trying very hard, most of our lives, to meet up to the expectations people hold. and the disappointment that accompanies any failure in doing so, is disturbing.
Why these double standards?
How can any relation, not have its own inherent list of expectations,?
How can we not expect anything from those we love?
I've thought hard, long and often on this,, haven't reached any conclusions as yet.
as a result, I have to measure out my steps, and weigh my words, and this isn't who I am, neither am I used to dealing with people in this manner, but the consequences of not doing so, are too painful to even contemplate going through, another time.
Did any of what i just wrote, make any sense?
I think not,,at least not to me, it didn't.:)

DYING AGONIES

2007-12-30T15:58:00.000+05:30

The year is slowly coming to an end, it's last few hours, bringing with them, not the dignity that the dying deserve, but rather is full of her dying agonies, of unfulfilled wishes, unlived dreams, and regrets about " what could have been..." and death should never be this way, it should be the end of all turmoil, the last leg of one's journey into eternity, into yesterday. 2007 in its infancy, had all the hopes and dreams that small eyes dare to see, full of positive colours and grand plans,of how all the wrongs of the year gone-by would be corected, would be replaced by good things, fulfillment of dreams on a grand scale,,,but slowly as the year unravelled, we forgot our new-year resolutions and proceeded to repeat all the mistakes that we swore never ever to, again,, but do we learn? no!!!
The dying moments of this year, leave behind a tableau so gross, so horrifying, so full of shame and indignity,,, this is not the way things should end, ever!
2007 saw a deviation from human values in its most vile and a shocking disregard for human life and property. People everywhere are returning to the Renegade justice we were supposed to have left behind, with progression towards so-called MODERNITY, we killed, maimed, tortured people, somewhere in the name of Religion, sometimes Caste or Justice, but regardless of what-ever the cause, human lives were lost,,and the worst thing was, people donot realise that, they the perpetrators could become the victims, with just a mere shifting of the winds,, and untill we do, this is just going to get worse, with each passing year,,with each fresh death!
I only wish, we shed the apathy we have and learn to protest, to defy things we know are wrong, are worth condemning, for untill we do so, this cycle isn't going to stop, ths bad dream isn't going to stop! We are geting so used to this voyeuristic lifestyle, so thrilled with sights of gore and misery, that very soon, we are going to physically resemble the creatures we already have turned into, inwardly,,,,VULTURES!! Feeding on carcasses, on misfortune, on sadness, on Human lives.
2008 is upon us and unless we want to see it too die the same painfull death 2007 has been cursed with,,we better do something to prevent it,, for good things do not just happen, they are made to happen,,,.
In sha Allah!!!

Memories,,

2007-12-29T15:28:00.000+05:30

Day III, Boxing day test,
Us v/s Australia
India- 85/3, Ganguly and Tendulkar at the crease!
Me,,,-Under my Blanket, watching,,with my Coffee in my hands!

Ganguly has just survived a 3rd Umpire referral, and in the process saving himself an embarrasing dismissal in his 100th test,,neways, as they say, once a survivor, always a survivor!!
In the past one year, this will be fifth change for me, with regards to my job, my house and a city, and everytime, I heaved a sigh, gritted my teeth, and pushed on, hoping for the best,,taken out the various artefacts, wall-hangings and pictures,from the walls, packed them up and hit the road, accompanied by my memories, the ever-faithful, travel-companion I've had, for quite some time.
The only difference between the rest of the stuff that I pack, and my memories is that, the latter are seldom reflections of my taste, my mood or what kind of a spender I've been, in the preceeding days,,and are neither bothered by my wish to have or not to have them along, they are sometimes pleasant, mostly unpleasant reminders of the days/nights I spent in the place I'm about to leave, perhaps forever. Regardless of their nature and content, they stay on, the stinging unpleasantness lasting far longer than I care them to,,.
The pain from these unpleasant, unwanted memories last far more than the soothing pleasantness of the good-time-memories. Ultimately, the only things that bind us to a place, any place, atime or an event,, are the belongings we gather, willingly, while at that particular phase of our life, and the memories that grow,, all these coming together, in our minds, to create a collage of sorts,a tableau, that links us, inexorably, forever, to all things past.
After all's said and done, I have no other alternative but to carry on, regardless of what's in store,regardless of what's happened, just try to roll with the blows life deals, so as to minimise the pain, the hurt, and just go with the flow, for as long as it takes, till the tide shifts,,waiting for such a time, when most of the memories, that stay on, will be pleasant, good-time ones, and for such a time, when looking back at memories of days gone by, won't be the terrifying job that it is NOW,, and till then, I just have to carry-on, hoping, wishing that good days DO come around, and SOON, "coz this time around, the wheels are taking a long time turning!!!!!!!!!